Oh goodness how I have missed talking to you. It's been a crazy last couple weeks, I've been sick so has Paxton, Paxton turned two (will post a blog within the week), I got another job, school is hard and overall life is in full speed. But I have been low all day, because today is a day very bitter sweet to my heart and I want to tell you all about it. Hold steady because I'm emotional.
March 10, 2012
Me: "Carsen, I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You and Paxton are the most important people in my life, but I can't do this anymore. I'm not coming back to Logan with you. I want a divorce."
Carsen: "Manda NO NO NO No don't say that. Don't leave me I love you! I'm sorry. Manda NOO!"
And then it was all down hill from there. Reader just thinking about this make me so so sad, it makes me sad for how Carsen felt, how I felt and most of all how my baby was going to feel. I can't really explain the things running through my head when I told Carsen this but I do know that I broke mine and his heart. I know that I knew that my life was about to drastically change and I knew that my son would and will one day question me for time.
Me: "Grandma I can't do this anymore, I can't go my whole life unhappy. I can't wait for Carsen to be the man I want him to be and I can't keep waiting for him to change."
Grandma: "Amanda, I really hope you understand what this is going to bring because it's not going to be easy, I can't tell you what to do neither can anyone else. I do know one thing though, you have always put everyone ahead of you your whole life and since you found out about Paxton he has been the only concern for you, but I want you to think about you for once. Not Carsen, not our family or his family and not Paxton just think about Manda."
And I broke down in tears. After I told Carsen this I knew I couldn't see him. Carsen made me weak Carsen knew what to do and say to make me break, we had been doing this on and off crap for so long that he had it on lock, and I couldn't let myself fall back.
And I was right Carsen did try to break me because every time I would drop off Paxton he would try to get at me, and he would pull a pity card almost and cry and he knew it would break my heart and I couldn't let him do that. I knew this was so unhealthy for all three of us. So for awhile I had to just let it all settle in for both of us and eventually for families too.
Reader my heart hurts...
Now when I tell you this day will be bitter sweet to me always is because I know in my heart that this was the best decision I will have made in my life, I tell you all the time and I'll tell you again this is what was best for all three of us but it is so sad for me because I remember how sad my precious dear sweet baby boy was when he had to go with daddy without mommy. I remember how confused he was when he asked daddy to come with us and I had to tell him daddy didn't sleep with us anymore. I remember to tears in his beautiful blue eyes the time the sadness got the best of Carsen and I and my son could feel it and started to cry. No Reader, he wasn't crying cause he didn't want to leave or because he was hurt... he was crying because he was truly sad.. He felt how sad we were and Paxton's little baby lip poked his eyes filled with tears and he let out to saddest cry I have ever heard in my life still to this day, and for making my son feel like that in that split second I will forever hold it over my own head, and this is why I never want another day like this and why I will always have a sad heart on this March 10th.
This day will always be a day of remembrance in my heart and probably Carsen's too. But all I can hope for is that we will continue to see the blessings and continue to work together and become stronger. We both know one day Pax will ask us about this, but we promise each other to be honest with him and to be the best co-parents we can be for him.
Until next time.
Read on, Enjoy
Love,
Mommy Manda
