Tis the Season

Dear Reader,

It's been a long time coming. I've missed talking to you and telling you my story, but well tis the season. I've been so busy with Paxton and work I feel like I never get a second to breathe and even when I do get a second I feel like I'm still in a rush.

Last time I talked to you I told you about Halloween. Halloween is what I consider the beginning of the holiday season. Once we hit Halloween the next 8 maybe 9 weeks are filled with crazy crowds, cards, food that makes you fat, music that everyone claims to hate, presents, love and well family.. I say that last part with a little bit of sadness. Family is important to me, in fact it's the most important thing to me and honestly right now my family is me and Paxton.

Thinking about how I evenly was going to divide my time with Carsen was really hard for me to be okay with. No I don't want you to have him Thanksgiving. I don't want you to have him on the break. I don't want you to have him on Christmas Eve or on Christmas New Years Eve or New Years day. But who does that really help in the end? Paxton would forever hold it against me if I decided to be the mom that did this kind of stuff. So I had to make a plan a schedule and I had to decide what I would be okay with what I could do and the same for and with Carsen.

Neither of us were okay with the plans and the schedules it was hard deciding how we would do this, and I don't think it is because we have our differences I honestly think it's because we are both very sad about it. It's our first time having to do the holidays without each other and the first time Paxton actually knows what's going on, well nothing is idle. How horrible of a mom I feel. I feel like I completely have failed, I feel like he'll hold it against me somewhere down the road, but I have to remember this is what is best for all 3 of us and it will be the best thing in the end.

You are supposed to be joyful and happy during the holidays but Reader I haven't been. I've been trying so hard. I've been trying so hard to be positive and be that super mom that everyone wishes they had or were with the decorations the presents the food all of that and I'm just not.
When I don't have Paxton or work all I want to do is sleep I'm sad that I'm not giving Paxton what I always wanted to a real family, the family I never had. I'm sad that he has to have Christmas at 2 different house. I am sad that I work so DAMN much that I never get to spend time with him, and most of all I'm sad that I have to share him.

So we made a plan, well we sort of made a plan. And we sort of stuck to our plan, and although at first I feel like we were both bitter about the situation I think we both have come to the realization that this is hard on both of us. It's sad for both of us and the only way to make it any easier at all is to work together as much as possible because we can either make this a good experience for Pax or we can make it a bad experience for him and we've all heard of the divorced parents that really made things bad for their children and well honestly I NEVER want to be that parent not EVER!!

I got a new job and started working my life away, but I have been making good money and I like it what I don't like is the time spent away from my precious baby. We did Thanksgiving in Idaho with family and it was great, Carsen even let me take Paxton all Thanksgiving day so we could go. I felt sad that the last Thanksgiving I spent without Carsen was 3 years ago but I have to keep telling myself that Everything Happens For A Reason and it'll all be okay.

Christmas was difficult..
I wanted him all day and all Christmas Eve as well but that wasn't fair and although we had made previous plans Carsen worked with me and let me have him a little bit long on Christmas day which I could never thank him enough for. Paxton loved Christmas and his Twizlers in his stocking, I think that was his favorite part.

And now here we are Reader, I think you're all caught up. I think as the story goes on we'll be back tracking to stories you haven't heard but here it is. This is my life. This is my story. And I hope you enjoy.

Inconvenience

Dear Reader,

Now I played soccer my whole life so breaking bones was always upsetting but it was something I was used to and something that happened but I could just move on..
NOT THIS TIME!!

I had an 18 month old, I was in college and I was a waitress this was the biggest inconvenience of my whole life. I couldn't do anything and NO not because I broke my foot but because I was on crutches AND I was not supposed to be walking at all. I needed Carsen, I really needed Carsen and his family and my family I needed help it was so frustrating. I am a very independent person and not being able to work, or go to school or take care of my own baby was so upsetting.

So the first weekend Carsen took Paxton I was on STRICT bed rest. NO WALKING!! And I must admit Carsen was doing pretty good, a lot better than I had anticipated..

*32 missed calls*

What in the hell? Why would he call me 32 time and how come I didn't get any of them until just now?! FREAK!! 

*Payton Calling*

"Dude, why haven't you answered your phone?"

"Well I was sleeping and my phone wasn't getting any calls until just now, maybe the tower is down?"

"Well I'm going to get Paxton from Carsen's."

"WHAT??!? WHY?"

"He said he started throwing up and stuff and couldn't get ahold of you, and he can't handle it by himself."

"Thank you Payt. I love you."

So they get back to my house and Paxton has puke everywhere. What the heck? My poor baby is sick. But Payton didn't think he was just sick. She had another theory which confirmed to be true...
This is where things got really icky again. I don't really like who Carsen lives with and I don't think that 3 boys keep their house very clean, so I told Carsen that Paxton was no longer go to his house unless things started straightening up. If it's Carsen's it is Paxton's as well and all 3 of them needed to understand that and until then I wasn't going to let him go there and that was was that! Surprisingly Carsen followed the rules I had set really well. But I needed his help more than I thought I would and he started getting annoyed that I was so helpless because honestly I was.

It was so STUPID!!!

Things were going good. My foot got better and things started look up once again. But then tis the season...
I think this might have been the hardest part of all of this divorce. Mine and Carsen's first holiday season apart in 3 years.. and my sons first one with two different homes..
I cried a lot just before Halloween. I mean A LOT... how do I share my baby? How do I help him understand, how do I be strong for him? And Carsen... oh Carsen. I felt so sad for him because I could hear the sadness and confusion about it all in his voice....


Now what?