Here's To You

Dear Reader,

What a long time it has been? Where to begin with this updated blog post? I want to catch you up to today and I want to talk to you about the day, so let's quit wasting all of our time and start. geezz it's been long enough.

Oh Reader Paxton has grown, he has grown so much an he is growing so fast. I wish he would stay little forever, I wish my baby would stay a baby. Paxton is learning so much, he talks sooo much and always wants to tell me everything and then some. But Reader I too am growing, I am learning too. It's hard this is the hardest stage yet with Pax, he's so full of energy and life and he's so happy but he's curious and he's sassy, he's picky, and he wants everything always, and this is hard for me. It's hard for me to understand what goes on Paxton's head and it's hard for me to teach him all the rules and what's right and what's not. I myself am still learning about life and what is right and what is not in some situations. But Paxton is the light of my life and he makes everyday a little brighter, a little more difficult and a little more adventurous. My son is perfect.




Let's get to Carsen,, the "juicy" part I know you just love. Carsen and I are on the best terms we've been since I left him...over a year ago. Can you believe it Reader? Over a whole year ago. So here we are 14 months from that night that I was told to "get out".
Reader I have to be completely honest with you, Carsen and I are not officially divorced yet. Carsen and I are legally separated but no we are not legally divorced. And here you go, judge on because we all do.

May 7th, 2013

Me: "Grandma I was going to go to the courthouse and file for my divorce finally, I just need help with Paxton."

Grandma: "Well I have to go down there too I'll come with you."

And I did it Reader. I went to the courthouse and I officially filed for divorce with Carsen. No it's not sad and neither of us are sad or upset about it. I think we've hit the point that arguing and fighting all the time is just old, and pointless so let's get the show on the road and move on. No it wasn't that I didn't want to file I just knew that Carsen wasn't ready and I didn't want to hit him hard with it and have him be affected and have it affect my son. My son is my number one.
So 90 days from May 7th 2013 it's official. But I'm not sad nor am I bitter, I'm.. I guess you could say relieved, we made it.
Reader remember when I told you I knew this was best for the 3 of us that I knew that Paxton and I would be happier and Carsen and Paxton would be happier and we would all make it work out and I knew it was right. Well what do you know? I was, believe it or not I do know what I am doing and talking about. SCORE ONE ME!  

So here we are. The night before Mother's Day and I'm more emotional than ever. I'm overwhelmed with joy, fear, sadness, happiness, confusion and mostly lost in my own world.
Mother's Day what does this mean to me? What has this always meant to me? It means one more Mother's Day that all the other kids are celebrating with their mommies but me, no not me.
I tell you all about my grandma a lot, oh how I love that woman more than you or she or anyone else may ever know. I get to celebrate this day with the woman who saved my life and made me the woman I am today, but mommy still isn't here.

Today:
*I walk into the house to see Paxton's smiling face.*

Me: "Pax!!!! I missed you."
Paxton: "Hi mommy. miss you"

and for a moment I hold the only person I know I will love til the day after forever..

Grandma: "Hey when Carsen dropped him off he left a bag upstairs for you."

*I grab the bag til it upside down and a box with Cars Christmas wrapping paper is on it.*

Me: "Oh a present. I guess I'll open it."

Peace Love & Juicy Couture

Reader this is my 3rd Mother's Day as a mommy. And I start to cry. WHAT THE HECK!! Maybe it's because I was caught off guard and I was so happy. Or maybe it's because I didn't realize that Carsen respected me enough to get me a Mother's Day gift from him and our son to even acknowledge me. I am still emotional over this. This will be one day I will remember forever. Carsen remembered me on a day that a lot of divorcing co parents don't remember or care to acknowledge one another but Carsen did and I will forever be grateful for him and my son going out and thinking about me when really he didn't have to make sure my son knew what Mother's Day was but Carsen did. And I could not be more thankful.

So here's to you Mommies. Here's to the single moms who won't be lucky like me. Here's to the brand new moms in the hospital with their babies. Here's to the moms who don't get to be with their children. Here's to the women who stepped up for a child to have a mom. Here's to the dad's who step in for mom. Here's to moms near and far, young and old.

Happy Mother's day from mommy Manda and Paxton.