Bad Days..

Dear Reader,

HAPPY EASTER! I hope your Easter Sunday is going so well, in fact I hope your Easter Sunday went much better than mine. As I close out this weekend I figured I'd try to let you in my head, maybe read what I feel and see especially on days like today.

Lets talk about the Easter traditions, growing up, and now for me. Now my Easter is spent by myself at home waiting for Paxton to come home, and maybe that's why I get cranky on this day that we are to be grateful. Well Carsen has a very big family and just like on Easter Sunday 5 years ago when he popped the question, they do the same big family party, big family Easter Egg Hunt for the adults and the children and then they do an Easter dinner.
Well I don't do stuff like that anymore with my family. When I was growing up, Easter was just another excuse to go camping with the whole family. We would go to bed and when we woke up the horses were all saddled up, you could see the colorful eggs on the mountain ridge and it was go time! We would do our Easter Egg Hunt ON the hills in the mountain, ON horseback. This was something I looked forward to year after year all growing up. After we went out all the older kids would go out "bunny blastin'"... yes that's right we would go shoot the 'Easter Bunny' on Easter haha HORRIBLE right? Well Reader we no longer do this in my family, eventually all the kids grew up and got busy and my grandparents retired and now they migrate South for the winter.. uh huh just like bird they go South when it starts to get cold. So we just don't do that anymore. However Reader.. this year was different for me. The last few years I've wished we still carried on the traditions we had when I was a kid for my kids, all of my cousins kids but we don't and I've always been okay with that but this year I was not. Today was different for me than the normal "I wish we still did that." today was filled with tears and a very sad mood for me. A regretful mood wishing we still did that, or that as I got older I would've gone more than the few times I did after I turned like 14.

In fact truth be told every holiday this year has been hard for me...
Every holiday this year is just a reminder of my childhood and a reminder of how much I wish I could go back..

For those of you who know me, you know about my 6 months. You know about my hardships in the last half year of my life, and if you really know me you've seen these or maybe just this one hardship completely consume me.

On September 8, 2015 at 5 in the evening I got a phone call that still rings in my mind, a phone call that crippled me completely. I got a phone call that changed my life for well, the rest of forever. On that day I got a phone call from my mom hysterically crying telling me that my cousin had killed herself..
Now Reader please don't feel bad for me, don't feel bad for her. In fact there is no need to feel bad at all. This is no ones fault, honestly I don't even think it was her fault. At this point I've come to realize that's what SHE needed for herself. And as time has gone on although the pain doesn't go away, and the amount I miss her only becomes greater it has gotten easier for me to deal with, but that doesn't mean that I don't still cry and yell for her to come back home. That I don't wish I would've taken just one last hug, one last I love you cuddi, one last laugh. This is by far this most challenging thing I've ever dealt with. It's something so foreign to me, something so deep and so.. hmm. I don't know how to explain it other than this. I've been through a lot in these short 22 years, I've dealt with it all. Yes, I've dealt with death, pain, sorrow, defeat the WHOLE 9 yards. This though is a feeling I've never felt until that night, something so surreal something so cutting and so it's hard I'll be the first to say some days this pain wins. But I'm getting there..
Okay so I didn't bring that all up for nothing.. no I wasn't sidetracked. I brought it up because today it was hard. This holiday was so hard on me. Just one song flipped my entire day so fast. Now I said I'm bitter on Easter anyways and that reason will fade with time I'm sure and I'll be okay. But for now holidays are hard and while Easter is already a day I'm not a fan of this year it was different...
I wish so much that I could go back to my childhood or that we could recreate those memories for our own children and that one day my son would grow up and tell people about when he found eggs on the mountain on horseback, or that he heard Santa on the roof on Christmas Eve. Yes Santa would visit and I swear that someone got on the roof and walked around when he left just to make our belief a little stronger. And while I could get the rest of the family together and we could recreate these moments for the next generation, for now I just want to be upset. For now I just want to cry on holidays, at family parties, or when I have a flash back memories.

Reader we are all subject to bad days, bad moods and just allowed to NOT be okay. And today is my day for this.

And As Always,
Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

Afraid Of Change..

Dear Reader,

I hope you aren't mad at me for not having enough "juice" in my last two post, or that you aren't upset if sometimes I'm a little scatter brained. I try to stay on track and get down to the 'deets' but what can I say? I'm not perfect.
I left you hanging, once again. I let you think about it. Hopefully a question that made you look at your own life; whether you're going through the same thing I am, or whether it's just your relationship in general, maybe it's you and your best friend or even you and your significant other. I'm not sure, nor do I care...I just hope it made you think, and reflect and hopefully as always inspired you.

So what happened to making decisions together? What about me? What I want, need and can and cannot do? Well that's just it, what about it?? It doesn't matter!! Because it's not about me and it sure as hell isn't about Carsen, it's about Paxton. I realized after posting this that I probably come off as one sided, but mostly just selfish. Like "Hi. I'm Manda I'm 21 and the world revolves around me my want and my need'....EXCUSE ME WHAT?? Who in the hell do I think I am? I am no more than you, I'm no more than the person down the road and I sure as shit am no more than Carsen.

I think that's what this is all about though.. ya know? Learning about yourself, learning that it's not all about you that sometimes it's okay to be wrong and not always get your way. In fact it might even be okay to change for the better even if it seems impossible. Let's face it guys, having children is EXACTLY what that is. CHANGE. Sure becoming a mother was when I knew all of a sudden it wasn't all about Manda anymore, but I don't think I realized exactly what that meant up until the last four years but especially the last year.
As much as I hate to admit it and as much as it makes my skin to crawl having Paxton with the man I did was more than just him giving me my biggest blessing of life. This will continue to be an internal battle I face but everyday I learn and I soften from the influence of my son's father. He is not hard headed, he's not stubborn, to be honest most of the time I describe him as "soft" he's passive and he's laid back, he's just different than me. But that's not bad is it? I want my son to have those qualities too, I want him to know when it's okay to back down, or when it's okay to just listen and not speak and to know that well, you aren't always going to be right.. and I can say he's not going to learn those traits from me. So is change really always a bad thing? Tell me I've changed and I hope to God I can say "I sure as hell hope so."
This is all a learning experience for me too Reader.
I'd like to think I'm always evolving, I'm always learning but most of all I'm hopefully changing for the better. While it's not just Paxton or Carsen who help me learn the lessons I need most in life they happen to be big contributors.

Here I am the day after we decide Paxton will go to the school and I'm scared. I question my own decisions, my own character, my own ability and I'm not that person. But I'm scared guys, I am honestly completely terrified of the future, and the reality is Paxton's future is my future too and vice versa. Now it wasn't the decision to let him go that made me scared, I've always been scared. I've always been afraid of something completely unknown. I'm scared of the future. Why though? And the best answer I have is because I'm just human..
I'm just Manda. I sure as hell am NOT a psychic, and I'm no where near perfect. So what if I mess it up? What if the older Paxton gets the less he starts to love me? What if I take a right when I should've turned left? Reader I'm scared of the future, not entirely because it's unknown but because what if it's not what I pictured? I mean look at this... I was the girl who was going to wait til I was married to have children or even sex for that matter, I was the girl who was going to be a stay at home mom, and be done having kids by the time I was 25, I was the girl who wanted the fair tale. That's not my reality though, no one part of it in fact. So then I changed what I wanted it too look like and it seems as though it continuously falls through like I'm constantly failing, I'm constantly being fooled or getting my heartbroken as if I can't get my own head out of my own ass. However I didn't fail, and I'm not failing.. I'M CHANGING. So if I am bound to teach my son anything I hope he learns that failure isn't a thing, but change is; and that's just it, as much as it hurts at times to feel as though I've failed miserably, I didn't. I just changed and my future changed with me, or my future changed and I have no choice but to change with it.

You didn't fail my friend, you simply just changed and whoever said change was a bad thing was an asshole.

And As Always;
Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

What Happened To, Together?

Dear Reader,

Yes, you're right I'm doing 2 posts in one night...well, well lucky you! ;) I felt like the last was a speed through, let's get caught up on what will be written. Maybe I didn't keep you guessing like I usually do but I didn't want to bore you or get you confused with the millions of things I want to tell you. So after today let's go back to day by day post by post. I don't know how much more I need to tell you about when I left. I think you've got that down but let's get up to speed on what life is now and the trials of everyday.

Look if you know me well, or even if you don't know me well I'm sure you already know that I am my own type of breed. There aren't much like me, and with that I kind of just stick to what I know and how I do things, basically I'm always right. I'm a very hard personality to take, I'm extremely extroverted, I'm very opinionated, in fact let's just say most of the time I'm just an asshole. Well with that comes my opposites, introverts. The cool, the calm, the collected. And Reader if you know me by now you should know that Carsen is my opposite. He's kind of, hmm... shall we say a belly side up person. How we worked, although dysfunctional, for as long as we did is still a mystery to me. I don't mean this as a bad thing, because well.. everything needs it's opposite. Light to dark. Small to Big. Loud to Quiet or even Heaven to Hell. But this right here Reader cause an issue between us. Even if there is no real reason for an issue, I'm irrational about 97% of the time and if there isn't an issue I'll find one, and that is the most true when it comes to Carsen. I just don't know what or why but for some reason it just comes natural to me to make it(whatever it may be) an issue and give me a reason to be mean or rude or irrational as most would say. However for me it's none of those things, I don't feel I am mean, rude and especially not irrational. I take things serious, I MEAN BUSINESS at all times but most of all when it comes to my son and the things I do and do not want for him in this life.

Carsen and I have always tried, emphasis on TRIED to make co-parenting and divorce something easy for Paxton. Now understand it doesn't always happen that way, but we try and most of the time when it's not happening that way it's me being an ass. However sometimes for me it's so much more than just picking a fight because I can and knowing I'll be right because I'm the mom. Sometimes it is actually stuff that really matters and because we are different it makes it hard to see eye to eye on a lot of things. For instance:
School
Sports
Parenting Ways
Influences
It's crazy to think that school is an issue because well all kids have to go to school and our child is no exception. Carsen and I are both book smart people so we take it seriously but I also saw him waste away school and sometimes I don't trust his efforts or instincts and this is one of our biggest problems lately. Although everything is cleared up now Carsen and I have been fighting about Paxton going to school since he started preschool 2 years ago. Carsen didn't want him in preschool as a 3 year old, and I did it's important to me. We did another year of preschool and Carsen wasn't completely for that but I was. Then comes the issue of where he'll go when he starts Elementary, does he go to school in my boundries? Well of course I vote yes, he's mine and I'm the mom. But Carsen's the dad.. Carsen doesn't work so it'll be easy for him to get Paxton to and from school but what about me? I have to get him to and from school and I work full time. This was inconvenient. It's not like Carsen and I live 30 minutes from one another; in fact we only live 7 minutes from each other but I want Paxton to go to school where I live.
Carsen brings up a private or charter school!! And while I'm all for a better education I also care about his social life, sure... laugh it up. But that's important. Kids need other kids to be around, kids need to be in sports and need to socialize. While I am a total nerd for me a social life is important. I missed out on mine after I had Paxton, and that was my own choice but Carsen doesn't get it because Carsen didn't miss out. He still did whatever he wanted and I was 16 at home with a newborn baby and I don't want that for Paxton...no no I wasn't talking about being 16 and a mother haha, although I don't want that either I was talking about him feeling like he missed out. So I tell Carsen no, I want him in a public school. What does Carsen do? He goes behind my back and enters Paxton in for a charter school lottery.. and HE GETS IN!!!! This is a HUGE opportunity for Paxton and I know that I understand the luck behind this all and the doors it could open for my son but the fact of the matter is WE, both of us, me and Carsen are his parents and we make these decisions together. It was all a blessing and I decided we will do it but that doesn't change the fact I felt put off by Carsen. THIS MATTERS!! I work full time, in fact I travel an hour away twice a week for work.. now how in the hell is that supposed to work. Charter schools need more parent involvement, your kids need more time from you for things that go with school. Sure it'll be easy for Carsen cause he doesn't work but what about me, my schedule when Paxton is with me? What about the extra step that we'll need for Paxton to thrive in this school.
WHAT HAPPENED TO DECISION MAKING TOGETHER....

Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

Back at it again

Dear Reader,

Here I am..
Back at it again haha. I was recently told by a friend that I should keep writing and that just because life caught up with me doesn't mean I should stop. Well after dwelling on it for the past week or so, I think I've come to the point in my life where I want to do things that make me happy, things that make me feel good, make me inspired and inspiring, but most of all things I know I'm good at. Although I'm not always confident in the things people tell me I'm "good at", writing makes me feel free it's my outlet. So here I am writing to you, yet again.

It's been a really and I mean REALLY long time. Good news though not much aside from the usual teen mom trying to find her way life has happened. Heartbreak, new adventures, losses, gains, comes and goes, here and there's. But I'm back and hopefully you're ready for it. The real question is where to start..
I've realized especially lately that what I have written on this blog is the best part of explaining my life. When in new conquests and someone wants to know my 'back story' if you will, I direct them here. Its much easier for them to read and understand than it is for me to fit 160 characters into a text message that basically just says 'I wasn't happy nor was he. And now FOUR years out we've realized this is for the best' So at least the blog has come in handy. So let's begin, care to be caught up?

Last time I talked to you was almost exactly TWO years ago, that means my blue eyed prince is now 5 years old. Yep, you heard it right he's 5! I can't believe it either. I can't believe my baby is now a sassy, incredibly smart and talented FIVE year old. He's growing too fast. Ya know you never really think about time and how fast it flies, or how precious it is until you're sitting in your living room decorating the house for your son who will wake up and be 5 years old. And that's just think Reader, time is precious. Life really is so very short, and that means we need to take every second we have as if it'll be the last one, and to take every whinny night, or "mom? I peed my bed." for everything it is and find a place in our heart and mind to cherish it because who knows it might just be the last..
The last year has been roller coaster going to heaven and back down to hell, I mean that with everything. My year has tried me more than I ever thought possible. Although I gained so much, I lost even more, but with all that loss I realized how much I need to make of this life not just for me but for Paxton!
Reader let's talk about Carsen and I and our divorce...
Well nothing has changed we are still going in the same round-a-bout motions as we were two years ago. He still won't set aside time in his life to do this with me civilly, he still uses the excuse "divorces take a long time", and still just won't buck down with me to get it done and over with. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM!!!!!!!!!! However we have become more civil as co-parents, at least when his girlfriend isn't putting her unwanted opinions in or on the internet, but with that I've learned a lot about her side of things the last year as well. Yes it's true Reader, I was in a relationship with a man who had a child and I was in the position Carsen's girlfriend has been in for almost four years. I was the other woman. I was the girl "playing house", and  you know what? That role is a hard one, it's a scary one, in fact it's a very trying and exhausting role to be in. Although I will continue to have my differences with her and him I learned a lot about myself and about her.
If you don't know me personally you wouldn't know this but I am a very hard headed, stubborn, "always right" person, and so being in this role showed me how cruel I've been at times. Now while most of the time it was completely uncalled for it's not always that way. At the end of the day what Carsen and even myself need to realize is that it doesn't matter who walks in or who goes out WE are the parents of this precious human, and either we'll succeed together or we'll fail together when it comes to raising Paxton. It's been a hard lesson to learn...probably more for me than him but I'm trying, I really am. I'll never be perfect but I'll continue to strive for greatness for my son, and mark my words here I WILL NEVER STOP.
Just in case you forgot...

Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda