I hope you aren't mad at me for not having enough "juice" in my last two post, or that you aren't upset if sometimes I'm a little scatter brained. I try to stay on track and get down to the 'deets' but what can I say? I'm not perfect.I left you hanging, once again. I let you think about it. Hopefully a question that made you look at your own life; whether you're going through the same thing I am, or whether it's just your relationship in general, maybe it's you and your best friend or even you and your significant other. I'm not sure, nor do I care...I just hope it made you think, and reflect and hopefully as always inspired you.
So what happened to making decisions together? What about me? What I want, need and can and cannot do? Well that's just it, what about it?? It doesn't matter!! Because it's not about me and it sure as hell isn't about Carsen, it's about Paxton. I realized after posting this that I probably come off as one sided, but mostly just selfish. Like "Hi. I'm Manda I'm 21 and the world revolves around me my want and my need'....EXCUSE ME WHAT?? Who in the hell do I think I am? I am no more than you, I'm no more than the person down the road and I sure as shit am no more than Carsen.
I think that's what this is all about though.. ya know? Learning about yourself, learning that it's not all about you that sometimes it's okay to be wrong and not always get your way. In fact it might even be okay to change for the better even if it seems impossible. Let's face it guys, having children is EXACTLY what that is. CHANGE. Sure becoming a mother was when I knew all of a sudden it wasn't all about Manda anymore, but I don't think I realized exactly what that meant up until the last four years but especially the last year.
As much as I hate to admit it and as much as it makes my skin to crawl having Paxton with the man I did was more than just him giving me my biggest blessing of life. This will continue to be an internal battle I face but everyday I learn and I soften from the influence of my son's father. He is not hard headed, he's not stubborn, to be honest most of the time I describe him as "soft" he's passive and he's laid back, he's just different than me. But that's not bad is it? I want my son to have those qualities too, I want him to know when it's okay to back down, or when it's okay to just listen and not speak and to know that well, you aren't always going to be right.. and I can say he's not going to learn those traits from me. So is change really always a bad thing? Tell me I've changed and I hope to God I can say "I sure as hell hope so."
This is all a learning experience for me too Reader.
I'd like to think I'm always evolving, I'm always learning but most of all I'm hopefully changing for the better. While it's not just Paxton or Carsen who help me learn the lessons I need most in life they happen to be big contributors. Here I am the day after we decide Paxton will go to the school and I'm scared. I question my own decisions, my own character, my own ability and I'm not that person. But I'm scared guys, I am honestly completely terrified of the future, and the reality is Paxton's future is my future too and vice versa. Now it wasn't the decision to let him go that made me scared, I've always been scared. I've always been afraid of something completely unknown. I'm scared of the future. Why though? And the best answer I have is because I'm just human..
I'm just Manda. I sure as hell am NOT a psychic, and I'm no where near perfect. So what if I mess it up? What if the older Paxton gets the less he starts to love me? What if I take a right when I should've turned left? Reader I'm scared of the future, not entirely because it's unknown but because what if it's not what I pictured? I mean look at this... I was the girl who was going to wait til I was married to have children or even sex for that matter, I was the girl who was going to be a stay at home mom, and be done having kids by the time I was 25, I was the girl who wanted the fair tale. That's not my reality though, no one part of it in fact. So then I changed what I wanted it too look like and it seems as though it continuously falls through like I'm constantly failing, I'm constantly being fooled or getting my heartbroken as if I can't get my own head out of my own ass. However I didn't fail, and I'm not failing.. I'M CHANGING. So if I am bound to teach my son anything I hope he learns that failure isn't a thing, but change is; and that's just it, as much as it hurts at times to feel as though I've failed miserably, I didn't. I just changed and my future changed with me, or my future changed and I have no choice but to change with it.
You didn't fail my friend, you simply just changed and whoever said change was a bad thing was an asshole.
And As Always;
Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda
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