Bad Days..

Dear Reader,

HAPPY EASTER! I hope your Easter Sunday is going so well, in fact I hope your Easter Sunday went much better than mine. As I close out this weekend I figured I'd try to let you in my head, maybe read what I feel and see especially on days like today.

Lets talk about the Easter traditions, growing up, and now for me. Now my Easter is spent by myself at home waiting for Paxton to come home, and maybe that's why I get cranky on this day that we are to be grateful. Well Carsen has a very big family and just like on Easter Sunday 5 years ago when he popped the question, they do the same big family party, big family Easter Egg Hunt for the adults and the children and then they do an Easter dinner.
Well I don't do stuff like that anymore with my family. When I was growing up, Easter was just another excuse to go camping with the whole family. We would go to bed and when we woke up the horses were all saddled up, you could see the colorful eggs on the mountain ridge and it was go time! We would do our Easter Egg Hunt ON the hills in the mountain, ON horseback. This was something I looked forward to year after year all growing up. After we went out all the older kids would go out "bunny blastin'"... yes that's right we would go shoot the 'Easter Bunny' on Easter haha HORRIBLE right? Well Reader we no longer do this in my family, eventually all the kids grew up and got busy and my grandparents retired and now they migrate South for the winter.. uh huh just like bird they go South when it starts to get cold. So we just don't do that anymore. However Reader.. this year was different for me. The last few years I've wished we still carried on the traditions we had when I was a kid for my kids, all of my cousins kids but we don't and I've always been okay with that but this year I was not. Today was different for me than the normal "I wish we still did that." today was filled with tears and a very sad mood for me. A regretful mood wishing we still did that, or that as I got older I would've gone more than the few times I did after I turned like 14.

In fact truth be told every holiday this year has been hard for me...
Every holiday this year is just a reminder of my childhood and a reminder of how much I wish I could go back..

For those of you who know me, you know about my 6 months. You know about my hardships in the last half year of my life, and if you really know me you've seen these or maybe just this one hardship completely consume me.

On September 8, 2015 at 5 in the evening I got a phone call that still rings in my mind, a phone call that crippled me completely. I got a phone call that changed my life for well, the rest of forever. On that day I got a phone call from my mom hysterically crying telling me that my cousin had killed herself..
Now Reader please don't feel bad for me, don't feel bad for her. In fact there is no need to feel bad at all. This is no ones fault, honestly I don't even think it was her fault. At this point I've come to realize that's what SHE needed for herself. And as time has gone on although the pain doesn't go away, and the amount I miss her only becomes greater it has gotten easier for me to deal with, but that doesn't mean that I don't still cry and yell for her to come back home. That I don't wish I would've taken just one last hug, one last I love you cuddi, one last laugh. This is by far this most challenging thing I've ever dealt with. It's something so foreign to me, something so deep and so.. hmm. I don't know how to explain it other than this. I've been through a lot in these short 22 years, I've dealt with it all. Yes, I've dealt with death, pain, sorrow, defeat the WHOLE 9 yards. This though is a feeling I've never felt until that night, something so surreal something so cutting and so it's hard I'll be the first to say some days this pain wins. But I'm getting there..
Okay so I didn't bring that all up for nothing.. no I wasn't sidetracked. I brought it up because today it was hard. This holiday was so hard on me. Just one song flipped my entire day so fast. Now I said I'm bitter on Easter anyways and that reason will fade with time I'm sure and I'll be okay. But for now holidays are hard and while Easter is already a day I'm not a fan of this year it was different...
I wish so much that I could go back to my childhood or that we could recreate those memories for our own children and that one day my son would grow up and tell people about when he found eggs on the mountain on horseback, or that he heard Santa on the roof on Christmas Eve. Yes Santa would visit and I swear that someone got on the roof and walked around when he left just to make our belief a little stronger. And while I could get the rest of the family together and we could recreate these moments for the next generation, for now I just want to be upset. For now I just want to cry on holidays, at family parties, or when I have a flash back memories.

Reader we are all subject to bad days, bad moods and just allowed to NOT be okay. And today is my day for this.

And As Always,
Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda