Back at it again

Dear Reader,

Here I am..
Back at it again haha. I was recently told by a friend that I should keep writing and that just because life caught up with me doesn't mean I should stop. Well after dwelling on it for the past week or so, I think I've come to the point in my life where I want to do things that make me happy, things that make me feel good, make me inspired and inspiring, but most of all things I know I'm good at. Although I'm not always confident in the things people tell me I'm "good at", writing makes me feel free it's my outlet. So here I am writing to you, yet again.

It's been a really and I mean REALLY long time. Good news though not much aside from the usual teen mom trying to find her way life has happened. Heartbreak, new adventures, losses, gains, comes and goes, here and there's. But I'm back and hopefully you're ready for it. The real question is where to start..
I've realized especially lately that what I have written on this blog is the best part of explaining my life. When in new conquests and someone wants to know my 'back story' if you will, I direct them here. Its much easier for them to read and understand than it is for me to fit 160 characters into a text message that basically just says 'I wasn't happy nor was he. And now FOUR years out we've realized this is for the best' So at least the blog has come in handy. So let's begin, care to be caught up?

Last time I talked to you was almost exactly TWO years ago, that means my blue eyed prince is now 5 years old. Yep, you heard it right he's 5! I can't believe it either. I can't believe my baby is now a sassy, incredibly smart and talented FIVE year old. He's growing too fast. Ya know you never really think about time and how fast it flies, or how precious it is until you're sitting in your living room decorating the house for your son who will wake up and be 5 years old. And that's just think Reader, time is precious. Life really is so very short, and that means we need to take every second we have as if it'll be the last one, and to take every whinny night, or "mom? I peed my bed." for everything it is and find a place in our heart and mind to cherish it because who knows it might just be the last..
The last year has been roller coaster going to heaven and back down to hell, I mean that with everything. My year has tried me more than I ever thought possible. Although I gained so much, I lost even more, but with all that loss I realized how much I need to make of this life not just for me but for Paxton!
Reader let's talk about Carsen and I and our divorce...
Well nothing has changed we are still going in the same round-a-bout motions as we were two years ago. He still won't set aside time in his life to do this with me civilly, he still uses the excuse "divorces take a long time", and still just won't buck down with me to get it done and over with. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM!!!!!!!!!! However we have become more civil as co-parents, at least when his girlfriend isn't putting her unwanted opinions in or on the internet, but with that I've learned a lot about her side of things the last year as well. Yes it's true Reader, I was in a relationship with a man who had a child and I was in the position Carsen's girlfriend has been in for almost four years. I was the other woman. I was the girl "playing house", and  you know what? That role is a hard one, it's a scary one, in fact it's a very trying and exhausting role to be in. Although I will continue to have my differences with her and him I learned a lot about myself and about her.
If you don't know me personally you wouldn't know this but I am a very hard headed, stubborn, "always right" person, and so being in this role showed me how cruel I've been at times. Now while most of the time it was completely uncalled for it's not always that way. At the end of the day what Carsen and even myself need to realize is that it doesn't matter who walks in or who goes out WE are the parents of this precious human, and either we'll succeed together or we'll fail together when it comes to raising Paxton. It's been a hard lesson to learn...probably more for me than him but I'm trying, I really am. I'll never be perfect but I'll continue to strive for greatness for my son, and mark my words here I WILL NEVER STOP.
Just in case you forgot...

Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda