What Happened To, Together?

Dear Reader,

Yes, you're right I'm doing 2 posts in one night...well, well lucky you! ;) I felt like the last was a speed through, let's get caught up on what will be written. Maybe I didn't keep you guessing like I usually do but I didn't want to bore you or get you confused with the millions of things I want to tell you. So after today let's go back to day by day post by post. I don't know how much more I need to tell you about when I left. I think you've got that down but let's get up to speed on what life is now and the trials of everyday.

Look if you know me well, or even if you don't know me well I'm sure you already know that I am my own type of breed. There aren't much like me, and with that I kind of just stick to what I know and how I do things, basically I'm always right. I'm a very hard personality to take, I'm extremely extroverted, I'm very opinionated, in fact let's just say most of the time I'm just an asshole. Well with that comes my opposites, introverts. The cool, the calm, the collected. And Reader if you know me by now you should know that Carsen is my opposite. He's kind of, hmm... shall we say a belly side up person. How we worked, although dysfunctional, for as long as we did is still a mystery to me. I don't mean this as a bad thing, because well.. everything needs it's opposite. Light to dark. Small to Big. Loud to Quiet or even Heaven to Hell. But this right here Reader cause an issue between us. Even if there is no real reason for an issue, I'm irrational about 97% of the time and if there isn't an issue I'll find one, and that is the most true when it comes to Carsen. I just don't know what or why but for some reason it just comes natural to me to make it(whatever it may be) an issue and give me a reason to be mean or rude or irrational as most would say. However for me it's none of those things, I don't feel I am mean, rude and especially not irrational. I take things serious, I MEAN BUSINESS at all times but most of all when it comes to my son and the things I do and do not want for him in this life.

Carsen and I have always tried, emphasis on TRIED to make co-parenting and divorce something easy for Paxton. Now understand it doesn't always happen that way, but we try and most of the time when it's not happening that way it's me being an ass. However sometimes for me it's so much more than just picking a fight because I can and knowing I'll be right because I'm the mom. Sometimes it is actually stuff that really matters and because we are different it makes it hard to see eye to eye on a lot of things. For instance:
School
Sports
Parenting Ways
Influences
It's crazy to think that school is an issue because well all kids have to go to school and our child is no exception. Carsen and I are both book smart people so we take it seriously but I also saw him waste away school and sometimes I don't trust his efforts or instincts and this is one of our biggest problems lately. Although everything is cleared up now Carsen and I have been fighting about Paxton going to school since he started preschool 2 years ago. Carsen didn't want him in preschool as a 3 year old, and I did it's important to me. We did another year of preschool and Carsen wasn't completely for that but I was. Then comes the issue of where he'll go when he starts Elementary, does he go to school in my boundries? Well of course I vote yes, he's mine and I'm the mom. But Carsen's the dad.. Carsen doesn't work so it'll be easy for him to get Paxton to and from school but what about me? I have to get him to and from school and I work full time. This was inconvenient. It's not like Carsen and I live 30 minutes from one another; in fact we only live 7 minutes from each other but I want Paxton to go to school where I live.
Carsen brings up a private or charter school!! And while I'm all for a better education I also care about his social life, sure... laugh it up. But that's important. Kids need other kids to be around, kids need to be in sports and need to socialize. While I am a total nerd for me a social life is important. I missed out on mine after I had Paxton, and that was my own choice but Carsen doesn't get it because Carsen didn't miss out. He still did whatever he wanted and I was 16 at home with a newborn baby and I don't want that for Paxton...no no I wasn't talking about being 16 and a mother haha, although I don't want that either I was talking about him feeling like he missed out. So I tell Carsen no, I want him in a public school. What does Carsen do? He goes behind my back and enters Paxton in for a charter school lottery.. and HE GETS IN!!!! This is a HUGE opportunity for Paxton and I know that I understand the luck behind this all and the doors it could open for my son but the fact of the matter is WE, both of us, me and Carsen are his parents and we make these decisions together. It was all a blessing and I decided we will do it but that doesn't change the fact I felt put off by Carsen. THIS MATTERS!! I work full time, in fact I travel an hour away twice a week for work.. now how in the hell is that supposed to work. Charter schools need more parent involvement, your kids need more time from you for things that go with school. Sure it'll be easy for Carsen cause he doesn't work but what about me, my schedule when Paxton is with me? What about the extra step that we'll need for Paxton to thrive in this school.
WHAT HAPPENED TO DECISION MAKING TOGETHER....

Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

Back at it again

Dear Reader,

Here I am..
Back at it again haha. I was recently told by a friend that I should keep writing and that just because life caught up with me doesn't mean I should stop. Well after dwelling on it for the past week or so, I think I've come to the point in my life where I want to do things that make me happy, things that make me feel good, make me inspired and inspiring, but most of all things I know I'm good at. Although I'm not always confident in the things people tell me I'm "good at", writing makes me feel free it's my outlet. So here I am writing to you, yet again.

It's been a really and I mean REALLY long time. Good news though not much aside from the usual teen mom trying to find her way life has happened. Heartbreak, new adventures, losses, gains, comes and goes, here and there's. But I'm back and hopefully you're ready for it. The real question is where to start..
I've realized especially lately that what I have written on this blog is the best part of explaining my life. When in new conquests and someone wants to know my 'back story' if you will, I direct them here. Its much easier for them to read and understand than it is for me to fit 160 characters into a text message that basically just says 'I wasn't happy nor was he. And now FOUR years out we've realized this is for the best' So at least the blog has come in handy. So let's begin, care to be caught up?

Last time I talked to you was almost exactly TWO years ago, that means my blue eyed prince is now 5 years old. Yep, you heard it right he's 5! I can't believe it either. I can't believe my baby is now a sassy, incredibly smart and talented FIVE year old. He's growing too fast. Ya know you never really think about time and how fast it flies, or how precious it is until you're sitting in your living room decorating the house for your son who will wake up and be 5 years old. And that's just think Reader, time is precious. Life really is so very short, and that means we need to take every second we have as if it'll be the last one, and to take every whinny night, or "mom? I peed my bed." for everything it is and find a place in our heart and mind to cherish it because who knows it might just be the last..
The last year has been roller coaster going to heaven and back down to hell, I mean that with everything. My year has tried me more than I ever thought possible. Although I gained so much, I lost even more, but with all that loss I realized how much I need to make of this life not just for me but for Paxton!
Reader let's talk about Carsen and I and our divorce...
Well nothing has changed we are still going in the same round-a-bout motions as we were two years ago. He still won't set aside time in his life to do this with me civilly, he still uses the excuse "divorces take a long time", and still just won't buck down with me to get it done and over with. I DO NOT WANT TO BE MARRIED TO HIM!!!!!!!!!! However we have become more civil as co-parents, at least when his girlfriend isn't putting her unwanted opinions in or on the internet, but with that I've learned a lot about her side of things the last year as well. Yes it's true Reader, I was in a relationship with a man who had a child and I was in the position Carsen's girlfriend has been in for almost four years. I was the other woman. I was the girl "playing house", and  you know what? That role is a hard one, it's a scary one, in fact it's a very trying and exhausting role to be in. Although I will continue to have my differences with her and him I learned a lot about myself and about her.
If you don't know me personally you wouldn't know this but I am a very hard headed, stubborn, "always right" person, and so being in this role showed me how cruel I've been at times. Now while most of the time it was completely uncalled for it's not always that way. At the end of the day what Carsen and even myself need to realize is that it doesn't matter who walks in or who goes out WE are the parents of this precious human, and either we'll succeed together or we'll fail together when it comes to raising Paxton. It's been a hard lesson to learn...probably more for me than him but I'm trying, I really am. I'll never be perfect but I'll continue to strive for greatness for my son, and mark my words here I WILL NEVER STOP.
Just in case you forgot...

Readon&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

In The Blink Of An Eye..

Dear Reader;
Phew!!! Where have I been the last...almost month? Honestly the last few weeks have just kind have been a time of change and a time of celebration. My birthday and Mothers' Day around the corner and Easter, I guess you could say I've just been livin'. And I've mostly been trying to figure out what to talk about next, what else to tell you, what has been on my mind and what's been going on. So after much thought especially the last 2 maybe 3 days I've finally figured out what exactly is on my mind to share and that thing is TIME!

Reader, do you realize that Paxton is already 3?!?! That means for 3 years I've been living this mommy life. I've been aiding another human thru life for 3 years and honestly it truly feels like yesterday I was finding out that I was almost 5 months pregnant with Paxton. How could 1,095 and then some already have passed? Where did it all go? Where did my new born, somewhat orange(jaundice), blue eyed, premie clothes wearing baby go? Where did all the 'first moments' go? So much in such a short amount of priceless time!

And that's just it Reader, it's so priceless, it's so incredibly precious; and to be honest it didn't hit me until on Saturday night when the subject of Paxton starting kindergarten in just 2 short year came up, and I realized as a parent time is everything the concept of time is completely change and at that has changed. I'm no longer a "Teen Mom" because I'm no longer technically a teen and it seems as though it was such a short time ago that I was coming to the realization that I was a mom and I was 16 years old, such a short time ago that my baby was taking his first breathe, such a short time ago that I was getting married and completely in love, such a short time ago that our love faded and it was time to divorce..

Wow!
I guess what I'm getting at is that my time is priceless and I mean it always has been; for you and me and everyone else in between but now it's all making me realize that I don't have all the time in the world. In 13 years I will be car shopping with Paxton and Carsen and just a short 2 maybe 3 years after that Paxton will starting his own life; either with college or a mission or a family maybe with a girl or whatever else he wants at the point in his life but as for me time is now, the time is RIGHT this moment and I'm not getting it back..it brings me to tears because thinking about how long that is but how short is feels is my life fading away and my baby growing up my baby not being a baby anymore and starting his own life. THAT'S MY BABY!! and his time is too precious to lose.

Reader; I just want you to know how precious this subject has become to me lately because it's my life flashing before my eyes. And this time is the world to me, so enjoy it all. Enjoy the little things, enjoy the things that make you cry, enjoy the life you're living and live something worth enjoying because before you know it Reader it's gone, in just the bling of an eye.

And as always;
Read on&Enjoy<3
Mommy Manda

Because Change Is A Good Thing..

Dear Reader,

Holy hell!!! It's been almost an entire year since I've written to you, my heart is sad that I stopped, because telling you about life made things seem a little bit easier. However can you really blame me, I mean I've had a busy, somewhat crazy, and very blessed last year. From 2 to 3 years old, reuniting of friends, heart breaks, new and old love, a job here and a job there, a year at school, a semester off to find the true meaning of life for a little bit, tears, laughs but most of all love.. And now I've decided it's time to come back. So why not? Why not tell you stories of the last year, and of the present? There isn't a reason because as always whether you read just because you're nosy, or read because you're bored, or even if  you're just reading to find inspiration I want to, I want to share all of these stories with you Reader..
So as always,

Let's begin..

Reader, a lot has happened for Paxton and I in the last year of life, since the last time we talked to you. We are still going thru trials; even if he doesn't know about them, they are happening for the two of us. We still play, and we still bonk our heads and we still make bug messes but most of all Paxton and I are still happy.

I seem to be at a loss of word for what to talk to you guys about, because I don't know where to start..
This is where we can start Carsen and I, that seems to always be a good topic and very popular one if you will.

How is mine and Carsen's relationship you may be asking yourself, right? Well as of today and this moment, it's decent.. as always I want to smack him around now and then and I want to thank him for giving me the greatest blessing I could ever ask for, I want to talk some sense into him on a good day. I want to hug him for being a good day on a hard day, and I can't lie on a bad day, sometimes I wish I could just get rid of Carsen. Would I ever actually do that? Never in my life. I'll never really truly wish that because Carsen is my sons' very very good father, whom my son adores and getting rid of Carsen would mean heartache for the most important person I've ever met in my life and I could never wish that upon my son. Besides like my mom always says "If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry."

Reader,

I want to tell you about Paxton Michael!! He has grown so much since we last talked. He's such a little stinker, he's incredibly smart and caring, he's absolutely hilarious and so sassy and full of life. He's everything I could ever imagine my child being and then some.. he's everything I need, he's my biggest blessing and my biggest trial.

I love my son more than I could ever put in these words, more than I could ever show you, or tell you. He's my everything. Paxton is exactly everything I needed at exactly the right time in my life.




But Reader like I told you my son is smart, and he's much smarter than I think, and lately this seems to be catching up with me. He's starting to catch onto life, he's started to catch on to his dad and I. He is starting to understand my words when I'm angry with his dad, and he's starting to repeat things that are said at either house he is at,, but most of all he's starting to realize that at one point in time his daddy and I were in love, very in love. And truth be told I knew this day would come eventually but it breaks my heart. He knows at one point in time we were married, and I was a "princess".

Not to long ago Paxton started sleeping in his new big boy bed, which clearly called for some change right? (I save some old stuff of me and Carsen, like engagement pictures and knickknacks like that because I figure one day it may be important to my son.) However the change in his room that was about to happen I was not ready for..
Paxton went thru my drawers in my room and found a picture of "momma and daddy" and asked
"my woo will put dis in my room?"
And I did. I had too, and every night he tells me that's his mom and dad, when we were married. This breaks my heart because he's right it was when we were ALMOST married but he knows, he knows that we were happy at one time, and at one time I loved his dad very much and before I know it Paxton is going to want to know why that love faded..

Read On and Enjoy<3

Mommy Manda

Here's To You

Dear Reader,

What a long time it has been? Where to begin with this updated blog post? I want to catch you up to today and I want to talk to you about the day, so let's quit wasting all of our time and start. geezz it's been long enough.

Oh Reader Paxton has grown, he has grown so much an he is growing so fast. I wish he would stay little forever, I wish my baby would stay a baby. Paxton is learning so much, he talks sooo much and always wants to tell me everything and then some. But Reader I too am growing, I am learning too. It's hard this is the hardest stage yet with Pax, he's so full of energy and life and he's so happy but he's curious and he's sassy, he's picky, and he wants everything always, and this is hard for me. It's hard for me to understand what goes on Paxton's head and it's hard for me to teach him all the rules and what's right and what's not. I myself am still learning about life and what is right and what is not in some situations. But Paxton is the light of my life and he makes everyday a little brighter, a little more difficult and a little more adventurous. My son is perfect.




Let's get to Carsen,, the "juicy" part I know you just love. Carsen and I are on the best terms we've been since I left him...over a year ago. Can you believe it Reader? Over a whole year ago. So here we are 14 months from that night that I was told to "get out".
Reader I have to be completely honest with you, Carsen and I are not officially divorced yet. Carsen and I are legally separated but no we are not legally divorced. And here you go, judge on because we all do.

May 7th, 2013

Me: "Grandma I was going to go to the courthouse and file for my divorce finally, I just need help with Paxton."

Grandma: "Well I have to go down there too I'll come with you."

And I did it Reader. I went to the courthouse and I officially filed for divorce with Carsen. No it's not sad and neither of us are sad or upset about it. I think we've hit the point that arguing and fighting all the time is just old, and pointless so let's get the show on the road and move on. No it wasn't that I didn't want to file I just knew that Carsen wasn't ready and I didn't want to hit him hard with it and have him be affected and have it affect my son. My son is my number one.
So 90 days from May 7th 2013 it's official. But I'm not sad nor am I bitter, I'm.. I guess you could say relieved, we made it.
Reader remember when I told you I knew this was best for the 3 of us that I knew that Paxton and I would be happier and Carsen and Paxton would be happier and we would all make it work out and I knew it was right. Well what do you know? I was, believe it or not I do know what I am doing and talking about. SCORE ONE ME!  

So here we are. The night before Mother's Day and I'm more emotional than ever. I'm overwhelmed with joy, fear, sadness, happiness, confusion and mostly lost in my own world.
Mother's Day what does this mean to me? What has this always meant to me? It means one more Mother's Day that all the other kids are celebrating with their mommies but me, no not me.
I tell you all about my grandma a lot, oh how I love that woman more than you or she or anyone else may ever know. I get to celebrate this day with the woman who saved my life and made me the woman I am today, but mommy still isn't here.

Today:
*I walk into the house to see Paxton's smiling face.*

Me: "Pax!!!! I missed you."
Paxton: "Hi mommy. miss you"

and for a moment I hold the only person I know I will love til the day after forever..

Grandma: "Hey when Carsen dropped him off he left a bag upstairs for you."

*I grab the bag til it upside down and a box with Cars Christmas wrapping paper is on it.*

Me: "Oh a present. I guess I'll open it."

Peace Love & Juicy Couture

Reader this is my 3rd Mother's Day as a mommy. And I start to cry. WHAT THE HECK!! Maybe it's because I was caught off guard and I was so happy. Or maybe it's because I didn't realize that Carsen respected me enough to get me a Mother's Day gift from him and our son to even acknowledge me. I am still emotional over this. This will be one day I will remember forever. Carsen remembered me on a day that a lot of divorcing co parents don't remember or care to acknowledge one another but Carsen did and I will forever be grateful for him and my son going out and thinking about me when really he didn't have to make sure my son knew what Mother's Day was but Carsen did. And I could not be more thankful.

So here's to you Mommies. Here's to the single moms who won't be lucky like me. Here's to the brand new moms in the hospital with their babies. Here's to the moms who don't get to be with their children. Here's to the women who stepped up for a child to have a mom. Here's to the dad's who step in for mom. Here's to moms near and far, young and old.

Happy Mother's day from mommy Manda and Paxton.

One Year and Counting..

Dear Reader,

Oh goodness how I have missed talking to you. It's been a crazy last couple weeks, I've been sick so has Paxton, Paxton turned two (will post a blog within the week), I got another job, school is hard and overall life is in full speed. But I have been low all day, because today is a day very bitter sweet to my heart and I want to tell you all about it. Hold steady because I'm emotional.

March 10, 2012

Me: "Carsen, I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You and Paxton are the most important people in my life, but I can't do this anymore. I'm not coming back to Logan with you. I want a divorce."

Carsen: "Manda NO NO NO No don't say that. Don't leave me I love you! I'm sorry. Manda NOO!"

And then it was all down hill from there. Reader just thinking about this make me so so sad, it makes me sad for how Carsen felt, how I felt and most of all how my baby was going to feel. I can't really explain the things running through my head when I told Carsen this but I do know that I broke mine and his heart. I know that I knew that my life was about to drastically change and I knew that my son would and will one day question me for time.

Me: "Grandma I can't do this anymore, I can't go my whole life unhappy. I can't wait for Carsen to be the man I want him to be and I can't keep waiting for him to change."

Grandma: "Amanda, I really hope you understand what this is going to bring because it's not going to be easy, I can't tell you what to do neither can anyone else. I do know one thing though, you have always put everyone ahead of you your whole life and since you found out about Paxton he has been the only concern for  you, but I want you to think about you for once. Not Carsen, not our family or his family and not Paxton just think about Manda."

And I broke down in tears. After I told Carsen this I knew I couldn't see him. Carsen made me weak Carsen knew what to do and say to make me break, we had been doing this on and off crap for so long that he had it on lock, and I couldn't let myself fall back.

And I was right Carsen did try to break me because every time I would drop off Paxton he would try to get at me, and he would pull a pity card almost and cry and he knew it would break my heart and I couldn't let him do that. I knew this was so unhealthy for all three of us. So for awhile I had to just let it all settle in for both of us and eventually for families too.


Reader my heart hurts...

Now when I tell you this day will be bitter sweet to me always is because I know in my heart that this was the best decision I will have made in my life, I tell you all the time and I'll tell you again this is what was best for all three of us but it is so sad for me because I remember how sad my precious dear sweet baby boy was when he had to go with daddy without mommy. I remember how confused he was when he asked daddy to come with us and I had to tell him daddy didn't sleep with us anymore. I remember to tears in his beautiful blue eyes the time the sadness got the best of Carsen and I and my son could feel it and started to cry. No Reader, he wasn't crying cause he didn't want to leave or because he was hurt... he was crying because he was truly sad.. He felt how sad we were and Paxton's little baby lip poked his eyes filled with tears and he let out to saddest cry I have ever heard in my life still to this day, and for making my son feel like that in that split second I will forever hold it over my own head,  and this is why I never want another day like this and why I will always have a sad heart on this March 10th.

This day will always be a day of remembrance in my heart and probably Carsen's too. But all I can hope for is that we will continue to see the blessings and continue to work together and become stronger. We both know one day Pax will ask us about this, but we promise each other to be honest with him and to be the best co-parents we can be for him.

Until next time.
Read on, Enjoy
Love,
Mommy Manda

History 101

Dear Reader,

For the last 2 hours I have been thinking about what to write to you, I can go through my day and think of a million and one things to write about and then when it comes down to actually doing it I want more. I want more meaning. I want something better for you, or maybe for myself. Regardless what it is I want, I do know that right now I want to go back into time. Back to the reason I am the way I am. The reason I'm so independent, the reasons why I am so determined to help someone and it doesn't matter who. This entry won't be filled with pictures and joy. It will tell you a story very close to my heart, but it explains why the "meaning" of life is so important to me.
 So let's go back to 1997..

I was 2 years old and my mommy was expecting a new baby.

I need you to understand that yes I do remember this, I do remember my mom being pregnant. I was very little, you are right. However; I had a very traumatic first couple years and I've heard that you either forget it all or remember it vividly and well I remember it. I remember it all.

The baby was supposed to be born after I turned 3 and I remember being so very excited to finally be a big sister, I LOVED babies. I was so independent and wanted to help my mom with the baby so bad.
July 27, 1997
Baby Patrick Cole entered this room. He was so precious. I remember sitting in the hospital rocking chair feeling so big getting to hold MY baby brother. He was mine. I can still remember Patrick Cole was such a good baby. He was always calm and at peace. The one time I remember him crying was one of the worst nights of my life, it truly messed me up.

Patrick Cole and I slept in the same room because the trailer was only 2 bedrooms I slept on the left side of the room and he on the right and our window was in the middle of us. Patrick Cole's dad and my mom had stopped talking just before she had the baby, he was bad. A drug dealer, a drug addict and an alcoholic, also from what I am told he was very abusive.
My mom had a problem she too was an addict and maybe that's why I was so independent but I knew that I needed to help Patrick Cole at night cause I probably had learned that mommy wasn't going to. This one night I remember so well. Baby boy was walking up so much, he usually slept well but not this night. He would cry and I would jump out of my bed climb up the side of the crib and give him the pacifier. I was 3 years old and I woke up to the shatter of my bedroom window. I was crying and so was the baby. I remember screaming for my mom but she never came. I climbed out of my bed and went to her door. I looked under the door and saw my precious perfect mommy crying being kicked in the face with the white boots by Patrick Cole's dad.

Reader I don't think I will ever forget that image. Even now 15 years later I can vividly see it. Those white boots will forever haunt me.

December of 97' we came home for Christmas to Grandma, my favorite woman in the whole world. It was a great Christmas. Me, Grandma, Uncle Tyler, Mommy and Patrick Cole. This was my last Christmas like this.

Mommy had planned to go back to Colorado with her new boyfriend Mark to get all of our stuff and move back home to Utah with Grandma. She was taking Patrick Cole but didn't want to take me.

"Mommy I want to go."

"No baby, you have to stay here with Grandma."

"But Momma I wanna go with you, I'm going to miss you."

"I'll be back baby I promise, I love you."

"Okay Momma, I love you. I love you too Patrick Cole."

This was the last conversation face to face with my mom. And the very last time I saw Patrick Cole.

January 16, 1998
There was a phone call in the middle of the night and Grandma got up to get it. I remember what she was wearing and I remember being so tired but worried cause I didn't want Grandma to leave me alone.
She came back crying and so so sad. I was to little to fully understand that something was really wrong but I do remember being worried.

"Grandma, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Nothing baby. Go back to bed."

Things were not the same the next morning everything was so wrong. Everyone was so upset.

"Grandma, I want to call mommy. I miss Patrick Cole."

*more crying*

"You can't call my right now Manda."

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!"

This conversation was the one conversation I remember before I found out that my mommy wasn't coming home like she had promised and I wasn't going to see her for a long time and I was never going to see Patrick Cole again.

Patrick Cole had died,  and Mommy and Mark were going to prison for a really long time. This was the day my life changed forever this was the day I learned that I was now really on my own.

Reader please don't be sad for me, or Patrick Cole. This was the worst day of my life but it was the best thing ever. Patrick died from Shaking Baby Syndrome. NO! My mom did not kill my brother and maybe neither did Mark. Mark was convicted of 1st degree and my mom of 2nd. My mom wasn't present at the time but she was Patrick's mom and she should've protected him from a drug addict like herself and Mark but she didn't.
Patrick died for a reason. He is my angel. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here writing to you. Patrick Cole picked a life to save his siblings and his mommy. My mommy is a sick person she has a really bad problem and who knows if Patrick was still here I don't know where any of us would be. He saved a family by choosing the path he did. So don't be sad for us or him. He is in a better place and watches over us everyday.

I told you this story so you know where my heart has been the last few weeks. My brother changed my life. I tell you this story not to make you sad but for  you do understand where my meaning of life and change comes from. I beat the odds I was raised by my grandma with a mom in prison and I like to think I turned out all right.
I hope one day I can change someone's meaning on life like Patrick Cole did for me.

Forever Grateful. I love you Patrick Cole.

Read on. Enjoy.

Big sister.