Here's To You

Dear Reader,

What a long time it has been? Where to begin with this updated blog post? I want to catch you up to today and I want to talk to you about the day, so let's quit wasting all of our time and start. geezz it's been long enough.

Oh Reader Paxton has grown, he has grown so much an he is growing so fast. I wish he would stay little forever, I wish my baby would stay a baby. Paxton is learning so much, he talks sooo much and always wants to tell me everything and then some. But Reader I too am growing, I am learning too. It's hard this is the hardest stage yet with Pax, he's so full of energy and life and he's so happy but he's curious and he's sassy, he's picky, and he wants everything always, and this is hard for me. It's hard for me to understand what goes on Paxton's head and it's hard for me to teach him all the rules and what's right and what's not. I myself am still learning about life and what is right and what is not in some situations. But Paxton is the light of my life and he makes everyday a little brighter, a little more difficult and a little more adventurous. My son is perfect.




Let's get to Carsen,, the "juicy" part I know you just love. Carsen and I are on the best terms we've been since I left him...over a year ago. Can you believe it Reader? Over a whole year ago. So here we are 14 months from that night that I was told to "get out".
Reader I have to be completely honest with you, Carsen and I are not officially divorced yet. Carsen and I are legally separated but no we are not legally divorced. And here you go, judge on because we all do.

May 7th, 2013

Me: "Grandma I was going to go to the courthouse and file for my divorce finally, I just need help with Paxton."

Grandma: "Well I have to go down there too I'll come with you."

And I did it Reader. I went to the courthouse and I officially filed for divorce with Carsen. No it's not sad and neither of us are sad or upset about it. I think we've hit the point that arguing and fighting all the time is just old, and pointless so let's get the show on the road and move on. No it wasn't that I didn't want to file I just knew that Carsen wasn't ready and I didn't want to hit him hard with it and have him be affected and have it affect my son. My son is my number one.
So 90 days from May 7th 2013 it's official. But I'm not sad nor am I bitter, I'm.. I guess you could say relieved, we made it.
Reader remember when I told you I knew this was best for the 3 of us that I knew that Paxton and I would be happier and Carsen and Paxton would be happier and we would all make it work out and I knew it was right. Well what do you know? I was, believe it or not I do know what I am doing and talking about. SCORE ONE ME!  

So here we are. The night before Mother's Day and I'm more emotional than ever. I'm overwhelmed with joy, fear, sadness, happiness, confusion and mostly lost in my own world.
Mother's Day what does this mean to me? What has this always meant to me? It means one more Mother's Day that all the other kids are celebrating with their mommies but me, no not me.
I tell you all about my grandma a lot, oh how I love that woman more than you or she or anyone else may ever know. I get to celebrate this day with the woman who saved my life and made me the woman I am today, but mommy still isn't here.

Today:
*I walk into the house to see Paxton's smiling face.*

Me: "Pax!!!! I missed you."
Paxton: "Hi mommy. miss you"

and for a moment I hold the only person I know I will love til the day after forever..

Grandma: "Hey when Carsen dropped him off he left a bag upstairs for you."

*I grab the bag til it upside down and a box with Cars Christmas wrapping paper is on it.*

Me: "Oh a present. I guess I'll open it."

Peace Love & Juicy Couture

Reader this is my 3rd Mother's Day as a mommy. And I start to cry. WHAT THE HECK!! Maybe it's because I was caught off guard and I was so happy. Or maybe it's because I didn't realize that Carsen respected me enough to get me a Mother's Day gift from him and our son to even acknowledge me. I am still emotional over this. This will be one day I will remember forever. Carsen remembered me on a day that a lot of divorcing co parents don't remember or care to acknowledge one another but Carsen did and I will forever be grateful for him and my son going out and thinking about me when really he didn't have to make sure my son knew what Mother's Day was but Carsen did. And I could not be more thankful.

So here's to you Mommies. Here's to the single moms who won't be lucky like me. Here's to the brand new moms in the hospital with their babies. Here's to the moms who don't get to be with their children. Here's to the women who stepped up for a child to have a mom. Here's to the dad's who step in for mom. Here's to moms near and far, young and old.

Happy Mother's day from mommy Manda and Paxton.

One Year and Counting..

Dear Reader,

Oh goodness how I have missed talking to you. It's been a crazy last couple weeks, I've been sick so has Paxton, Paxton turned two (will post a blog within the week), I got another job, school is hard and overall life is in full speed. But I have been low all day, because today is a day very bitter sweet to my heart and I want to tell you all about it. Hold steady because I'm emotional.

March 10, 2012

Me: "Carsen, I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You and Paxton are the most important people in my life, but I can't do this anymore. I'm not coming back to Logan with you. I want a divorce."

Carsen: "Manda NO NO NO No don't say that. Don't leave me I love you! I'm sorry. Manda NOO!"

And then it was all down hill from there. Reader just thinking about this make me so so sad, it makes me sad for how Carsen felt, how I felt and most of all how my baby was going to feel. I can't really explain the things running through my head when I told Carsen this but I do know that I broke mine and his heart. I know that I knew that my life was about to drastically change and I knew that my son would and will one day question me for time.

Me: "Grandma I can't do this anymore, I can't go my whole life unhappy. I can't wait for Carsen to be the man I want him to be and I can't keep waiting for him to change."

Grandma: "Amanda, I really hope you understand what this is going to bring because it's not going to be easy, I can't tell you what to do neither can anyone else. I do know one thing though, you have always put everyone ahead of you your whole life and since you found out about Paxton he has been the only concern for  you, but I want you to think about you for once. Not Carsen, not our family or his family and not Paxton just think about Manda."

And I broke down in tears. After I told Carsen this I knew I couldn't see him. Carsen made me weak Carsen knew what to do and say to make me break, we had been doing this on and off crap for so long that he had it on lock, and I couldn't let myself fall back.

And I was right Carsen did try to break me because every time I would drop off Paxton he would try to get at me, and he would pull a pity card almost and cry and he knew it would break my heart and I couldn't let him do that. I knew this was so unhealthy for all three of us. So for awhile I had to just let it all settle in for both of us and eventually for families too.


Reader my heart hurts...

Now when I tell you this day will be bitter sweet to me always is because I know in my heart that this was the best decision I will have made in my life, I tell you all the time and I'll tell you again this is what was best for all three of us but it is so sad for me because I remember how sad my precious dear sweet baby boy was when he had to go with daddy without mommy. I remember how confused he was when he asked daddy to come with us and I had to tell him daddy didn't sleep with us anymore. I remember to tears in his beautiful blue eyes the time the sadness got the best of Carsen and I and my son could feel it and started to cry. No Reader, he wasn't crying cause he didn't want to leave or because he was hurt... he was crying because he was truly sad.. He felt how sad we were and Paxton's little baby lip poked his eyes filled with tears and he let out to saddest cry I have ever heard in my life still to this day, and for making my son feel like that in that split second I will forever hold it over my own head,  and this is why I never want another day like this and why I will always have a sad heart on this March 10th.

This day will always be a day of remembrance in my heart and probably Carsen's too. But all I can hope for is that we will continue to see the blessings and continue to work together and become stronger. We both know one day Pax will ask us about this, but we promise each other to be honest with him and to be the best co-parents we can be for him.

Until next time.
Read on, Enjoy
Love,
Mommy Manda

History 101

Dear Reader,

For the last 2 hours I have been thinking about what to write to you, I can go through my day and think of a million and one things to write about and then when it comes down to actually doing it I want more. I want more meaning. I want something better for you, or maybe for myself. Regardless what it is I want, I do know that right now I want to go back into time. Back to the reason I am the way I am. The reason I'm so independent, the reasons why I am so determined to help someone and it doesn't matter who. This entry won't be filled with pictures and joy. It will tell you a story very close to my heart, but it explains why the "meaning" of life is so important to me.
 So let's go back to 1997..

I was 2 years old and my mommy was expecting a new baby.

I need you to understand that yes I do remember this, I do remember my mom being pregnant. I was very little, you are right. However; I had a very traumatic first couple years and I've heard that you either forget it all or remember it vividly and well I remember it. I remember it all.

The baby was supposed to be born after I turned 3 and I remember being so very excited to finally be a big sister, I LOVED babies. I was so independent and wanted to help my mom with the baby so bad.
July 27, 1997
Baby Patrick Cole entered this room. He was so precious. I remember sitting in the hospital rocking chair feeling so big getting to hold MY baby brother. He was mine. I can still remember Patrick Cole was such a good baby. He was always calm and at peace. The one time I remember him crying was one of the worst nights of my life, it truly messed me up.

Patrick Cole and I slept in the same room because the trailer was only 2 bedrooms I slept on the left side of the room and he on the right and our window was in the middle of us. Patrick Cole's dad and my mom had stopped talking just before she had the baby, he was bad. A drug dealer, a drug addict and an alcoholic, also from what I am told he was very abusive.
My mom had a problem she too was an addict and maybe that's why I was so independent but I knew that I needed to help Patrick Cole at night cause I probably had learned that mommy wasn't going to. This one night I remember so well. Baby boy was walking up so much, he usually slept well but not this night. He would cry and I would jump out of my bed climb up the side of the crib and give him the pacifier. I was 3 years old and I woke up to the shatter of my bedroom window. I was crying and so was the baby. I remember screaming for my mom but she never came. I climbed out of my bed and went to her door. I looked under the door and saw my precious perfect mommy crying being kicked in the face with the white boots by Patrick Cole's dad.

Reader I don't think I will ever forget that image. Even now 15 years later I can vividly see it. Those white boots will forever haunt me.

December of 97' we came home for Christmas to Grandma, my favorite woman in the whole world. It was a great Christmas. Me, Grandma, Uncle Tyler, Mommy and Patrick Cole. This was my last Christmas like this.

Mommy had planned to go back to Colorado with her new boyfriend Mark to get all of our stuff and move back home to Utah with Grandma. She was taking Patrick Cole but didn't want to take me.

"Mommy I want to go."

"No baby, you have to stay here with Grandma."

"But Momma I wanna go with you, I'm going to miss you."

"I'll be back baby I promise, I love you."

"Okay Momma, I love you. I love you too Patrick Cole."

This was the last conversation face to face with my mom. And the very last time I saw Patrick Cole.

January 16, 1998
There was a phone call in the middle of the night and Grandma got up to get it. I remember what she was wearing and I remember being so tired but worried cause I didn't want Grandma to leave me alone.
She came back crying and so so sad. I was to little to fully understand that something was really wrong but I do remember being worried.

"Grandma, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Nothing baby. Go back to bed."

Things were not the same the next morning everything was so wrong. Everyone was so upset.

"Grandma, I want to call mommy. I miss Patrick Cole."

*more crying*

"You can't call my right now Manda."

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!"

This conversation was the one conversation I remember before I found out that my mommy wasn't coming home like she had promised and I wasn't going to see her for a long time and I was never going to see Patrick Cole again.

Patrick Cole had died,  and Mommy and Mark were going to prison for a really long time. This was the day my life changed forever this was the day I learned that I was now really on my own.

Reader please don't be sad for me, or Patrick Cole. This was the worst day of my life but it was the best thing ever. Patrick died from Shaking Baby Syndrome. NO! My mom did not kill my brother and maybe neither did Mark. Mark was convicted of 1st degree and my mom of 2nd. My mom wasn't present at the time but she was Patrick's mom and she should've protected him from a drug addict like herself and Mark but she didn't.
Patrick died for a reason. He is my angel. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here writing to you. Patrick Cole picked a life to save his siblings and his mommy. My mommy is a sick person she has a really bad problem and who knows if Patrick was still here I don't know where any of us would be. He saved a family by choosing the path he did. So don't be sad for us or him. He is in a better place and watches over us everyday.

I told you this story so you know where my heart has been the last few weeks. My brother changed my life. I tell you this story not to make you sad but for  you do understand where my meaning of life and change comes from. I beat the odds I was raised by my grandma with a mom in prison and I like to think I turned out all right.
I hope one day I can change someone's meaning on life like Patrick Cole did for me.

Forever Grateful. I love you Patrick Cole.

Read on. Enjoy.

Big sister.

A Year Full Of News

Dear Reader,

Happy New Year to you. It has been about a month since I've been back to tell you more stories, but I think about it everyday the really problem is when to find time to write and what to write about. This is the New Year for crying out loud a year full of new things to come, new complications, new friends, new experience, relationships and more. So let's start with the end of December shall we?

It's the almost the New Year and honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for a new year to begin. 2012 seriously tested my limits, my strengths and weaknesses were found, my feelings were hurt and I found some sort of happiness. Paxton turned one, I divorced my husband, I moved back home, I had a total of 4 jobs, I started school, life was hard and life was good. I made new friend, lost some old friends, had my heart broken but found great new relationships, I was happy and I was sad. 2012 was hands down the hardest year of my life, WITHOUT a doubt.

I feel has my new year resolution was to get a long with Carsen, but as we know that doesn't always happen. No matter how hard I try it doesn't always go my way. But after the holidays I feel like we were both just emotional worn out, at  least I know I was and maybe I'm still recovering from all of that.  Tensions started to get high for some reason, we would argue about EVERYTHING! Now Reader one thing I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being is being hung up on. ew. It rubs me so wrong, I honestly hate that more than anything. And I bet you can guess who does this more than anyone I know. Yep, Carsen. He hangs up on me all the time, when I'm being "mean". No I'm not being mean I just want you to pull your head out and stop being so damn selfish.

Once again Carsen refused to tell me his work or school schedule, and Reader maybe you think 'Well he doesn't have to tell you those things'; which could be the case IF we had a custody agreement through the courts but we don't we just try to be civil enough to do it ourselves so I need things like that and Carsen just won't ever let up. So I need it and like always he won't work with me. I honestly don't care what seeing Paxton does for Carsen or his family but I know from my own experience that it's going to be important to Paxton one day, but honestly I hate sharing.

As I look back on last  year during this time I vividly remember how awful my marriage was. I remember constantly fighting with Carsen. I remember being so unhappy. I remember contemplating leaving him. I wanted out so bad but I wanted to be a fighter for my son even more. Hey Reader, do you ever go down a road or hear a song maybe even just notice the time of year and remember a bitter sweet memory? I hope you do. Because then I'm not the only one. I look back on the last 3 years and see all my ups and downs with Carsen. I try not to think about them but every once in awhile I see myself than and I can't remember ever imagining I'd be where I am today. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me angry but other time it makes me happy.
I realize we've all had our fair share of moments like this. I want to share mine with you as they come to me. I want you to be involved as possible because writing to you helps me heal. I've realized over the last couple months that the stories I tell you sad, good or bad that it has helped me heal. So don't stop reading, follow me, try to be as much apart of this as I let you be.

So here's to the New Year.

Until next time;
Read on. Enjoy.

Mommy Manda

Tis the Season

Dear Reader,

It's been a long time coming. I've missed talking to you and telling you my story, but well tis the season. I've been so busy with Paxton and work I feel like I never get a second to breathe and even when I do get a second I feel like I'm still in a rush.

Last time I talked to you I told you about Halloween. Halloween is what I consider the beginning of the holiday season. Once we hit Halloween the next 8 maybe 9 weeks are filled with crazy crowds, cards, food that makes you fat, music that everyone claims to hate, presents, love and well family.. I say that last part with a little bit of sadness. Family is important to me, in fact it's the most important thing to me and honestly right now my family is me and Paxton.

Thinking about how I evenly was going to divide my time with Carsen was really hard for me to be okay with. No I don't want you to have him Thanksgiving. I don't want you to have him on the break. I don't want you to have him on Christmas Eve or on Christmas New Years Eve or New Years day. But who does that really help in the end? Paxton would forever hold it against me if I decided to be the mom that did this kind of stuff. So I had to make a plan a schedule and I had to decide what I would be okay with what I could do and the same for and with Carsen.

Neither of us were okay with the plans and the schedules it was hard deciding how we would do this, and I don't think it is because we have our differences I honestly think it's because we are both very sad about it. It's our first time having to do the holidays without each other and the first time Paxton actually knows what's going on, well nothing is idle. How horrible of a mom I feel. I feel like I completely have failed, I feel like he'll hold it against me somewhere down the road, but I have to remember this is what is best for all 3 of us and it will be the best thing in the end.

You are supposed to be joyful and happy during the holidays but Reader I haven't been. I've been trying so hard. I've been trying so hard to be positive and be that super mom that everyone wishes they had or were with the decorations the presents the food all of that and I'm just not.
When I don't have Paxton or work all I want to do is sleep I'm sad that I'm not giving Paxton what I always wanted to a real family, the family I never had. I'm sad that he has to have Christmas at 2 different house. I am sad that I work so DAMN much that I never get to spend time with him, and most of all I'm sad that I have to share him.

So we made a plan, well we sort of made a plan. And we sort of stuck to our plan, and although at first I feel like we were both bitter about the situation I think we both have come to the realization that this is hard on both of us. It's sad for both of us and the only way to make it any easier at all is to work together as much as possible because we can either make this a good experience for Pax or we can make it a bad experience for him and we've all heard of the divorced parents that really made things bad for their children and well honestly I NEVER want to be that parent not EVER!!

I got a new job and started working my life away, but I have been making good money and I like it what I don't like is the time spent away from my precious baby. We did Thanksgiving in Idaho with family and it was great, Carsen even let me take Paxton all Thanksgiving day so we could go. I felt sad that the last Thanksgiving I spent without Carsen was 3 years ago but I have to keep telling myself that Everything Happens For A Reason and it'll all be okay.

Christmas was difficult..
I wanted him all day and all Christmas Eve as well but that wasn't fair and although we had made previous plans Carsen worked with me and let me have him a little bit long on Christmas day which I could never thank him enough for. Paxton loved Christmas and his Twizlers in his stocking, I think that was his favorite part.

And now here we are Reader, I think you're all caught up. I think as the story goes on we'll be back tracking to stories you haven't heard but here it is. This is my life. This is my story. And I hope you enjoy.

Inconvenience

Dear Reader,

Now I played soccer my whole life so breaking bones was always upsetting but it was something I was used to and something that happened but I could just move on..
NOT THIS TIME!!

I had an 18 month old, I was in college and I was a waitress this was the biggest inconvenience of my whole life. I couldn't do anything and NO not because I broke my foot but because I was on crutches AND I was not supposed to be walking at all. I needed Carsen, I really needed Carsen and his family and my family I needed help it was so frustrating. I am a very independent person and not being able to work, or go to school or take care of my own baby was so upsetting.

So the first weekend Carsen took Paxton I was on STRICT bed rest. NO WALKING!! And I must admit Carsen was doing pretty good, a lot better than I had anticipated..

*32 missed calls*

What in the hell? Why would he call me 32 time and how come I didn't get any of them until just now?! FREAK!! 

*Payton Calling*

"Dude, why haven't you answered your phone?"

"Well I was sleeping and my phone wasn't getting any calls until just now, maybe the tower is down?"

"Well I'm going to get Paxton from Carsen's."

"WHAT??!? WHY?"

"He said he started throwing up and stuff and couldn't get ahold of you, and he can't handle it by himself."

"Thank you Payt. I love you."

So they get back to my house and Paxton has puke everywhere. What the heck? My poor baby is sick. But Payton didn't think he was just sick. She had another theory which confirmed to be true...
This is where things got really icky again. I don't really like who Carsen lives with and I don't think that 3 boys keep their house very clean, so I told Carsen that Paxton was no longer go to his house unless things started straightening up. If it's Carsen's it is Paxton's as well and all 3 of them needed to understand that and until then I wasn't going to let him go there and that was was that! Surprisingly Carsen followed the rules I had set really well. But I needed his help more than I thought I would and he started getting annoyed that I was so helpless because honestly I was.

It was so STUPID!!!

Things were going good. My foot got better and things started look up once again. But then tis the season...
I think this might have been the hardest part of all of this divorce. Mine and Carsen's first holiday season apart in 3 years.. and my sons first one with two different homes..
I cried a lot just before Halloween. I mean A LOT... how do I share my baby? How do I help him understand, how do I be strong for him? And Carsen... oh Carsen. I felt so sad for him because I could hear the sadness and confusion about it all in his voice....


Now what?

"I breathe in, I breath out.."

Dear Reader,

I'm happy to be talking to you today, it has actually been a really good day, and a really good week. Finals are just around the corner so I figure if I can get as many blogs as possible in before that busy week, you'll be pretty much caught up. Although these next few entries will be very important, information filled and will help you get exactly where I am today.


I breathe in, I breathe out.
This is the only way I can keep my sanity. I come to the realization that I can not make Carsen cooperate with me whenever I want him to, I can't control Carsen. I have to take one day at a time, with him and Paxton. I have to breathe in and breathe out.
All I want is for things to be okay. I want to know that we can both be good parents without being together, and every time I start to think that we are getting to a point where Co-Parenting is going to be easy and we can do it one more thing pops up to argue about.
WORK WITH ME...
please, just work with me. Not for me. Not for you. But for this precious baby we brought in the world together.

I have the most amazing best friend Reader. You need to know about her. She's such an amazing person, and I and especially Paxton are so so very blessed to have her. Payton is going to be an amazing mother and she needs to know that. Reader this is not totally astray for this entry it's key. Payton is a lifesaver. I had NO help from Carsen on classes, or daycare or transportation with Paxton while we would both we in school and working. Everyday I needed help at the University before school started and even with picking daycare, Payton was by my side every step of the way. Picking a daycare was hard. Why? Daycare is as expensive as a car payment or even more. It's hard to hand your child over for hours to someone you hardly know. And being a way from my son was even harder.
We had done daycare while I was in high school but he was just downstairs and it was free, and they called me when he needed to nurse it wasn't like it was going to be now.
Carsen seemed to not care about where we put Paxton for daycare, so my amazing best friend came with me to the tour. She's great. She asked question that I forgot to ask. She wanted to know where Paxton was going to be and what he was going to learn. I am so grateful for her, this would have been the hardest thing ever to do by myself. Thank you Payt. I love you. 

So I picked my classes, my work schedule and a daycare. And since Carsen had put no input in on ANYTHING he had to deal with it. Whatever I said kinda went.
So we put Paxton in daycare, and all Carsen wanted to do was complain about how much it was! I pay half so why are you complaining? I could be really mean and make you pay all of it. Just work with me PLEASE!!

School finally started and things started to work out. We started getting a good schedule going for the baby. We were finally helping each other, if I had a test he'd take the baby and vice versa. And then about 3 weeks into school... I missed the last step and broke my ankle and foot.

Great...

*CRACK*

"OH my gosh!! Are you okay?"

"Uh..yeah I think so."
I hobble over to the bench outside of the social science building and begin crying so hard. I can not break my foot, it's my first semester, I am a freakin' waitress, I have Paxton.
From a distance I see Carsen and I yell for him.

"Carsen!! Carsen!!"

"What the heck did you do?"

"I missed the last stair and heard a big crack..(tears roll down my face) I think I broke it. Can you help me..please?"



"Yeah, yeah of course. Do I need to take you to the ER?"

"Uh... No just to the clinic."

"Okay."

So Carsen scooped me up and carried my half way to the clinic then I was ready to try and walk so he helped me. We're almost to the Clinic and these kids are behind us, walking so slow I tell Carsen we need to move out of the way so they can get by. And this kids say:

"Oh no. It's okay. I understand, Love is in the air."

uh...wait! This is my ex husband....