History 101

Dear Reader,

For the last 2 hours I have been thinking about what to write to you, I can go through my day and think of a million and one things to write about and then when it comes down to actually doing it I want more. I want more meaning. I want something better for you, or maybe for myself. Regardless what it is I want, I do know that right now I want to go back into time. Back to the reason I am the way I am. The reason I'm so independent, the reasons why I am so determined to help someone and it doesn't matter who. This entry won't be filled with pictures and joy. It will tell you a story very close to my heart, but it explains why the "meaning" of life is so important to me.
 So let's go back to 1997..

I was 2 years old and my mommy was expecting a new baby.

I need you to understand that yes I do remember this, I do remember my mom being pregnant. I was very little, you are right. However; I had a very traumatic first couple years and I've heard that you either forget it all or remember it vividly and well I remember it. I remember it all.

The baby was supposed to be born after I turned 3 and I remember being so very excited to finally be a big sister, I LOVED babies. I was so independent and wanted to help my mom with the baby so bad.
July 27, 1997
Baby Patrick Cole entered this room. He was so precious. I remember sitting in the hospital rocking chair feeling so big getting to hold MY baby brother. He was mine. I can still remember Patrick Cole was such a good baby. He was always calm and at peace. The one time I remember him crying was one of the worst nights of my life, it truly messed me up.

Patrick Cole and I slept in the same room because the trailer was only 2 bedrooms I slept on the left side of the room and he on the right and our window was in the middle of us. Patrick Cole's dad and my mom had stopped talking just before she had the baby, he was bad. A drug dealer, a drug addict and an alcoholic, also from what I am told he was very abusive.
My mom had a problem she too was an addict and maybe that's why I was so independent but I knew that I needed to help Patrick Cole at night cause I probably had learned that mommy wasn't going to. This one night I remember so well. Baby boy was walking up so much, he usually slept well but not this night. He would cry and I would jump out of my bed climb up the side of the crib and give him the pacifier. I was 3 years old and I woke up to the shatter of my bedroom window. I was crying and so was the baby. I remember screaming for my mom but she never came. I climbed out of my bed and went to her door. I looked under the door and saw my precious perfect mommy crying being kicked in the face with the white boots by Patrick Cole's dad.

Reader I don't think I will ever forget that image. Even now 15 years later I can vividly see it. Those white boots will forever haunt me.

December of 97' we came home for Christmas to Grandma, my favorite woman in the whole world. It was a great Christmas. Me, Grandma, Uncle Tyler, Mommy and Patrick Cole. This was my last Christmas like this.

Mommy had planned to go back to Colorado with her new boyfriend Mark to get all of our stuff and move back home to Utah with Grandma. She was taking Patrick Cole but didn't want to take me.

"Mommy I want to go."

"No baby, you have to stay here with Grandma."

"But Momma I wanna go with you, I'm going to miss you."

"I'll be back baby I promise, I love you."

"Okay Momma, I love you. I love you too Patrick Cole."

This was the last conversation face to face with my mom. And the very last time I saw Patrick Cole.

January 16, 1998
There was a phone call in the middle of the night and Grandma got up to get it. I remember what she was wearing and I remember being so tired but worried cause I didn't want Grandma to leave me alone.
She came back crying and so so sad. I was to little to fully understand that something was really wrong but I do remember being worried.

"Grandma, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Nothing baby. Go back to bed."

Things were not the same the next morning everything was so wrong. Everyone was so upset.

"Grandma, I want to call mommy. I miss Patrick Cole."

*more crying*

"You can't call my right now Manda."

"I WANT MY MOMMY!!"

This conversation was the one conversation I remember before I found out that my mommy wasn't coming home like she had promised and I wasn't going to see her for a long time and I was never going to see Patrick Cole again.

Patrick Cole had died,  and Mommy and Mark were going to prison for a really long time. This was the day my life changed forever this was the day I learned that I was now really on my own.

Reader please don't be sad for me, or Patrick Cole. This was the worst day of my life but it was the best thing ever. Patrick died from Shaking Baby Syndrome. NO! My mom did not kill my brother and maybe neither did Mark. Mark was convicted of 1st degree and my mom of 2nd. My mom wasn't present at the time but she was Patrick's mom and she should've protected him from a drug addict like herself and Mark but she didn't.
Patrick died for a reason. He is my angel. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here writing to you. Patrick Cole picked a life to save his siblings and his mommy. My mommy is a sick person she has a really bad problem and who knows if Patrick was still here I don't know where any of us would be. He saved a family by choosing the path he did. So don't be sad for us or him. He is in a better place and watches over us everyday.

I told you this story so you know where my heart has been the last few weeks. My brother changed my life. I tell you this story not to make you sad but for  you do understand where my meaning of life and change comes from. I beat the odds I was raised by my grandma with a mom in prison and I like to think I turned out all right.
I hope one day I can change someone's meaning on life like Patrick Cole did for me.

Forever Grateful. I love you Patrick Cole.

Read on. Enjoy.

Big sister.

A Year Full Of News

Dear Reader,

Happy New Year to you. It has been about a month since I've been back to tell you more stories, but I think about it everyday the really problem is when to find time to write and what to write about. This is the New Year for crying out loud a year full of new things to come, new complications, new friends, new experience, relationships and more. So let's start with the end of December shall we?

It's the almost the New Year and honestly I don't think I've ever been so excited for a new year to begin. 2012 seriously tested my limits, my strengths and weaknesses were found, my feelings were hurt and I found some sort of happiness. Paxton turned one, I divorced my husband, I moved back home, I had a total of 4 jobs, I started school, life was hard and life was good. I made new friend, lost some old friends, had my heart broken but found great new relationships, I was happy and I was sad. 2012 was hands down the hardest year of my life, WITHOUT a doubt.

I feel has my new year resolution was to get a long with Carsen, but as we know that doesn't always happen. No matter how hard I try it doesn't always go my way. But after the holidays I feel like we were both just emotional worn out, at  least I know I was and maybe I'm still recovering from all of that.  Tensions started to get high for some reason, we would argue about EVERYTHING! Now Reader one thing I absolutely hate with every fiber of my being is being hung up on. ew. It rubs me so wrong, I honestly hate that more than anything. And I bet you can guess who does this more than anyone I know. Yep, Carsen. He hangs up on me all the time, when I'm being "mean". No I'm not being mean I just want you to pull your head out and stop being so damn selfish.

Once again Carsen refused to tell me his work or school schedule, and Reader maybe you think 'Well he doesn't have to tell you those things'; which could be the case IF we had a custody agreement through the courts but we don't we just try to be civil enough to do it ourselves so I need things like that and Carsen just won't ever let up. So I need it and like always he won't work with me. I honestly don't care what seeing Paxton does for Carsen or his family but I know from my own experience that it's going to be important to Paxton one day, but honestly I hate sharing.

As I look back on last  year during this time I vividly remember how awful my marriage was. I remember constantly fighting with Carsen. I remember being so unhappy. I remember contemplating leaving him. I wanted out so bad but I wanted to be a fighter for my son even more. Hey Reader, do you ever go down a road or hear a song maybe even just notice the time of year and remember a bitter sweet memory? I hope you do. Because then I'm not the only one. I look back on the last 3 years and see all my ups and downs with Carsen. I try not to think about them but every once in awhile I see myself than and I can't remember ever imagining I'd be where I am today. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me angry but other time it makes me happy.
I realize we've all had our fair share of moments like this. I want to share mine with you as they come to me. I want you to be involved as possible because writing to you helps me heal. I've realized over the last couple months that the stories I tell you sad, good or bad that it has helped me heal. So don't stop reading, follow me, try to be as much apart of this as I let you be.

So here's to the New Year.

Until next time;
Read on. Enjoy.

Mommy Manda

Tis the Season

Dear Reader,

It's been a long time coming. I've missed talking to you and telling you my story, but well tis the season. I've been so busy with Paxton and work I feel like I never get a second to breathe and even when I do get a second I feel like I'm still in a rush.

Last time I talked to you I told you about Halloween. Halloween is what I consider the beginning of the holiday season. Once we hit Halloween the next 8 maybe 9 weeks are filled with crazy crowds, cards, food that makes you fat, music that everyone claims to hate, presents, love and well family.. I say that last part with a little bit of sadness. Family is important to me, in fact it's the most important thing to me and honestly right now my family is me and Paxton.

Thinking about how I evenly was going to divide my time with Carsen was really hard for me to be okay with. No I don't want you to have him Thanksgiving. I don't want you to have him on the break. I don't want you to have him on Christmas Eve or on Christmas New Years Eve or New Years day. But who does that really help in the end? Paxton would forever hold it against me if I decided to be the mom that did this kind of stuff. So I had to make a plan a schedule and I had to decide what I would be okay with what I could do and the same for and with Carsen.

Neither of us were okay with the plans and the schedules it was hard deciding how we would do this, and I don't think it is because we have our differences I honestly think it's because we are both very sad about it. It's our first time having to do the holidays without each other and the first time Paxton actually knows what's going on, well nothing is idle. How horrible of a mom I feel. I feel like I completely have failed, I feel like he'll hold it against me somewhere down the road, but I have to remember this is what is best for all 3 of us and it will be the best thing in the end.

You are supposed to be joyful and happy during the holidays but Reader I haven't been. I've been trying so hard. I've been trying so hard to be positive and be that super mom that everyone wishes they had or were with the decorations the presents the food all of that and I'm just not.
When I don't have Paxton or work all I want to do is sleep I'm sad that I'm not giving Paxton what I always wanted to a real family, the family I never had. I'm sad that he has to have Christmas at 2 different house. I am sad that I work so DAMN much that I never get to spend time with him, and most of all I'm sad that I have to share him.

So we made a plan, well we sort of made a plan. And we sort of stuck to our plan, and although at first I feel like we were both bitter about the situation I think we both have come to the realization that this is hard on both of us. It's sad for both of us and the only way to make it any easier at all is to work together as much as possible because we can either make this a good experience for Pax or we can make it a bad experience for him and we've all heard of the divorced parents that really made things bad for their children and well honestly I NEVER want to be that parent not EVER!!

I got a new job and started working my life away, but I have been making good money and I like it what I don't like is the time spent away from my precious baby. We did Thanksgiving in Idaho with family and it was great, Carsen even let me take Paxton all Thanksgiving day so we could go. I felt sad that the last Thanksgiving I spent without Carsen was 3 years ago but I have to keep telling myself that Everything Happens For A Reason and it'll all be okay.

Christmas was difficult..
I wanted him all day and all Christmas Eve as well but that wasn't fair and although we had made previous plans Carsen worked with me and let me have him a little bit long on Christmas day which I could never thank him enough for. Paxton loved Christmas and his Twizlers in his stocking, I think that was his favorite part.

And now here we are Reader, I think you're all caught up. I think as the story goes on we'll be back tracking to stories you haven't heard but here it is. This is my life. This is my story. And I hope you enjoy.

Inconvenience

Dear Reader,

Now I played soccer my whole life so breaking bones was always upsetting but it was something I was used to and something that happened but I could just move on..
NOT THIS TIME!!

I had an 18 month old, I was in college and I was a waitress this was the biggest inconvenience of my whole life. I couldn't do anything and NO not because I broke my foot but because I was on crutches AND I was not supposed to be walking at all. I needed Carsen, I really needed Carsen and his family and my family I needed help it was so frustrating. I am a very independent person and not being able to work, or go to school or take care of my own baby was so upsetting.

So the first weekend Carsen took Paxton I was on STRICT bed rest. NO WALKING!! And I must admit Carsen was doing pretty good, a lot better than I had anticipated..

*32 missed calls*

What in the hell? Why would he call me 32 time and how come I didn't get any of them until just now?! FREAK!! 

*Payton Calling*

"Dude, why haven't you answered your phone?"

"Well I was sleeping and my phone wasn't getting any calls until just now, maybe the tower is down?"

"Well I'm going to get Paxton from Carsen's."

"WHAT??!? WHY?"

"He said he started throwing up and stuff and couldn't get ahold of you, and he can't handle it by himself."

"Thank you Payt. I love you."

So they get back to my house and Paxton has puke everywhere. What the heck? My poor baby is sick. But Payton didn't think he was just sick. She had another theory which confirmed to be true...
This is where things got really icky again. I don't really like who Carsen lives with and I don't think that 3 boys keep their house very clean, so I told Carsen that Paxton was no longer go to his house unless things started straightening up. If it's Carsen's it is Paxton's as well and all 3 of them needed to understand that and until then I wasn't going to let him go there and that was was that! Surprisingly Carsen followed the rules I had set really well. But I needed his help more than I thought I would and he started getting annoyed that I was so helpless because honestly I was.

It was so STUPID!!!

Things were going good. My foot got better and things started look up once again. But then tis the season...
I think this might have been the hardest part of all of this divorce. Mine and Carsen's first holiday season apart in 3 years.. and my sons first one with two different homes..
I cried a lot just before Halloween. I mean A LOT... how do I share my baby? How do I help him understand, how do I be strong for him? And Carsen... oh Carsen. I felt so sad for him because I could hear the sadness and confusion about it all in his voice....


Now what?

"I breathe in, I breath out.."

Dear Reader,

I'm happy to be talking to you today, it has actually been a really good day, and a really good week. Finals are just around the corner so I figure if I can get as many blogs as possible in before that busy week, you'll be pretty much caught up. Although these next few entries will be very important, information filled and will help you get exactly where I am today.


I breathe in, I breathe out.
This is the only way I can keep my sanity. I come to the realization that I can not make Carsen cooperate with me whenever I want him to, I can't control Carsen. I have to take one day at a time, with him and Paxton. I have to breathe in and breathe out.
All I want is for things to be okay. I want to know that we can both be good parents without being together, and every time I start to think that we are getting to a point where Co-Parenting is going to be easy and we can do it one more thing pops up to argue about.
WORK WITH ME...
please, just work with me. Not for me. Not for you. But for this precious baby we brought in the world together.

I have the most amazing best friend Reader. You need to know about her. She's such an amazing person, and I and especially Paxton are so so very blessed to have her. Payton is going to be an amazing mother and she needs to know that. Reader this is not totally astray for this entry it's key. Payton is a lifesaver. I had NO help from Carsen on classes, or daycare or transportation with Paxton while we would both we in school and working. Everyday I needed help at the University before school started and even with picking daycare, Payton was by my side every step of the way. Picking a daycare was hard. Why? Daycare is as expensive as a car payment or even more. It's hard to hand your child over for hours to someone you hardly know. And being a way from my son was even harder.
We had done daycare while I was in high school but he was just downstairs and it was free, and they called me when he needed to nurse it wasn't like it was going to be now.
Carsen seemed to not care about where we put Paxton for daycare, so my amazing best friend came with me to the tour. She's great. She asked question that I forgot to ask. She wanted to know where Paxton was going to be and what he was going to learn. I am so grateful for her, this would have been the hardest thing ever to do by myself. Thank you Payt. I love you. 

So I picked my classes, my work schedule and a daycare. And since Carsen had put no input in on ANYTHING he had to deal with it. Whatever I said kinda went.
So we put Paxton in daycare, and all Carsen wanted to do was complain about how much it was! I pay half so why are you complaining? I could be really mean and make you pay all of it. Just work with me PLEASE!!

School finally started and things started to work out. We started getting a good schedule going for the baby. We were finally helping each other, if I had a test he'd take the baby and vice versa. And then about 3 weeks into school... I missed the last step and broke my ankle and foot.

Great...

*CRACK*

"OH my gosh!! Are you okay?"

"Uh..yeah I think so."
I hobble over to the bench outside of the social science building and begin crying so hard. I can not break my foot, it's my first semester, I am a freakin' waitress, I have Paxton.
From a distance I see Carsen and I yell for him.

"Carsen!! Carsen!!"

"What the heck did you do?"

"I missed the last stair and heard a big crack..(tears roll down my face) I think I broke it. Can you help me..please?"



"Yeah, yeah of course. Do I need to take you to the ER?"

"Uh... No just to the clinic."

"Okay."

So Carsen scooped me up and carried my half way to the clinic then I was ready to try and walk so he helped me. We're almost to the Clinic and these kids are behind us, walking so slow I tell Carsen we need to move out of the way so they can get by. And this kids say:

"Oh no. It's okay. I understand, Love is in the air."

uh...wait! This is my ex husband....

Jealousy?

Dear Reader,
What a last couple weeks! I've missed you. I've missed talking to you and tell you a story. I have some time right now so I'm going to write to you, because you deserve it; and even though it's late I'm Thankful for you.


WHAT?!?!?!? Did his new girlfriend really just Facebook me..? What is she thinking? WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Manda keep your cool, you've been dating too. It's okay everything will be okay.. keep your cool.
Now look I know this shouldn't have hit me the way it did, but I couldn't help it. I broke down into tears. I was just sad because well I don't know? The boys I've dated don't go telling Carsen that we are dating, even if they know him they don't say anything and I was so freakin' frustrated, who does this girl think she is..

The first thing that popped into my head was; has she met my son?? So that's just what I asked her.
"Are you Carsen's new girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Have you met MY son?"

"Yes, and he's so cute. I have two brothers about his age, he's so adorable."

"oh.. How many times have you met him? And how long have you been dating Carsen?"

"Only a few times at his parents and about 3 months."

WHAT?!?! Only 3 months and he's letting you meet MY baby...ew... oh man was I livid!

Understand that I now have been dating a boy since July and Reader I'm telling you he has NEVER met Paxton, he's seen pictures but has never met MINE and CARSEN'S son. NEVER!!! And that was just the thing, I don't thing Paxton needs to meet everyone we date. I'm only dating casually but unless I think it's going to be serious I honestly see no reason for these boys or girls to meet my son.
WHO THE HELL??

*No Reply*

"But Manda if you don't want me being around Paxton I completely understand, I really want to be on good terms with you."

Well Miss Thing no I don't want you anywhere around my son, he's mine! But I don't have the control Reader that is all Carsen, what Carsen and Paxton do together is none of my business and I have no say..

"I honestly have no say in you being around Paxton, that is all Carsen. I'm not mad at you because I don't have that jurisdiction anymore. Thank you for letting me know who you are. Have a nice day."

And that was it. And no I didn't say anything to Carsen for a long time, she asked me not to so I didn't, honestly he had no idea.
Some may call it jealousy, envy or something like that but honestly I was just in shock. Not shocked that he got a dat, that's not nice Reader. But I was shocked that she came to me. I can say that I would NEVER approach a baby momma, especially an ex wife baby momma. She has balls and I completely respect her for that. She's very brave, because if she's heard the kinda things about me that I think she probably has I would never in a million years.



It's not so bad. I need to be nice. I need to keep the peace. If Carsen is happy, then great for Carsen. I'm happy for him, for moving forward with life.


Reader we are finally entering the life of school. Entering the school year, this will be good this will mean you are only 4 months behind and that means there is going to be a lot of stories to tell. This has been the craziest 4 months for me and so I feel like it's been crazy for Paxton and probably Carsen too.


School!! Yes, I did it. I'm starting school at Weber State, I'm so excited. I'm so proud of myself.

*Text*
"Carsen, I got into Weber and am going to sign up for class? Do we wanna work something out so that while one is at school the other has Paxton? I'm really proud of myself and really need your help if we want this to work. Thanks"

"No. I don't know my schedule, just make your classes."

For now,,
Love <3
Mommy Manda.

Ridin' Solo

Dear Reader,
My dear friend I am so so very sorry for not writing the last couple days, I am so busy. I feel like my head is going to fall off. I just started a new job, I'm attempting to potty train the boy, I am in the middle of mid terms and next semester registration for school, and I'm trying to lose weight. I'm so freakin' busy. So now that I have found a second of down time I thought I would talk to you, and finish some of this crazy story.


Right after the separation things got BAD. I'm not just talking kinda bad, I'm telling you they got really really bad. Carsen went off the deep end, quit sleeping and eating. He put himself into the hospital. He gave himself a mental breakdown and you wanna know what it was "my fault" at least that's what he and his family told me.
Honestly I don't think I had ever been so angry in my life. I was taking care of his baby 24/7 and it was MY fault. ew. It's ridiculous, right? Well don't judge cause you weren't there. I almost couldn't even feel sorry for him, it was a freakin' joke. I felt so so manipulated, and Reader this was truly a time when I knew this was what was right. I knew that without even knowing it Carsen was manipulating me, and you wanna know what? Maybe he honestly didn't know he was doing it, but that was just the thing, it had become such a common thing for us that it was coming naturally.
Carsen stayed in our home in Logan, and Paxton and I came back home to my Grandma's and I got a job, and tried to start my life here, a start over. Carsen eventually moved back to the area, so I had heard through the grapevine, but about a month after I left I think he realized I was serious and he gave up on trying. In a way he gave up on everything. He quit talking to me, I never ever saw him or heard from him. I honestly don't even know if he saw Paxton. I would take Paxton to Carsen's parents and when I picked him up there was no sign of Carsen. This made me so mad, Paxton was too little to tell me if he saw daddy and communication was usually limited between me and Carsen's family.


Carsen eventually started showing up, and talking to me during the middle of the summer, but it was rough. It was hard having a conversation with someone I was 1; so mad at and 2; someone I wanted to strangle. Violent I know, but seriously I felt like I was communicating with Paxton better usually.

I decided I wanted to go to the University and I know it'd be difficult, but I thought Carsen would understand and be willing to work with my schedule so that we could both go to school.
Once again I was wrong. I asked him over and over, to tell me his schedule so that maybe while I was at school he could have the baby and vice versa. WRONG!! I'm so dumb. Why would someone who thinks I ruined his life want to cooperate with me? Maybe I had hoped he'd be proud of me, or maybe I had hoped he'd be happy that both of Paxton's parents were beating the odds. I don't know why I thought we could be grown up about it, but we couldn't.

It took awhile before we talked about daycare, and school, work and all the other stuff that comes with Paxton. Eventually thinks started to look positive, and then I realized why, When I got into my car and I had a Facebook message on my phone from someone I didn't know.

"Hello. I want to introduce myself. My name is Lindsey. Carsen doesn't know I'm talking to you and I kinda don't want him to know if that's alright please? I don't want you to be mad at me or anything I just don't want tension at all. If its ok."

What....