Ridin' Solo

Dear Reader,
My dear friend I am so so very sorry for not writing the last couple days, I am so busy. I feel like my head is going to fall off. I just started a new job, I'm attempting to potty train the boy, I am in the middle of mid terms and next semester registration for school, and I'm trying to lose weight. I'm so freakin' busy. So now that I have found a second of down time I thought I would talk to you, and finish some of this crazy story.


Right after the separation things got BAD. I'm not just talking kinda bad, I'm telling you they got really really bad. Carsen went off the deep end, quit sleeping and eating. He put himself into the hospital. He gave himself a mental breakdown and you wanna know what it was "my fault" at least that's what he and his family told me.
Honestly I don't think I had ever been so angry in my life. I was taking care of his baby 24/7 and it was MY fault. ew. It's ridiculous, right? Well don't judge cause you weren't there. I almost couldn't even feel sorry for him, it was a freakin' joke. I felt so so manipulated, and Reader this was truly a time when I knew this was what was right. I knew that without even knowing it Carsen was manipulating me, and you wanna know what? Maybe he honestly didn't know he was doing it, but that was just the thing, it had become such a common thing for us that it was coming naturally.
Carsen stayed in our home in Logan, and Paxton and I came back home to my Grandma's and I got a job, and tried to start my life here, a start over. Carsen eventually moved back to the area, so I had heard through the grapevine, but about a month after I left I think he realized I was serious and he gave up on trying. In a way he gave up on everything. He quit talking to me, I never ever saw him or heard from him. I honestly don't even know if he saw Paxton. I would take Paxton to Carsen's parents and when I picked him up there was no sign of Carsen. This made me so mad, Paxton was too little to tell me if he saw daddy and communication was usually limited between me and Carsen's family.


Carsen eventually started showing up, and talking to me during the middle of the summer, but it was rough. It was hard having a conversation with someone I was 1; so mad at and 2; someone I wanted to strangle. Violent I know, but seriously I felt like I was communicating with Paxton better usually.

I decided I wanted to go to the University and I know it'd be difficult, but I thought Carsen would understand and be willing to work with my schedule so that we could both go to school.
Once again I was wrong. I asked him over and over, to tell me his schedule so that maybe while I was at school he could have the baby and vice versa. WRONG!! I'm so dumb. Why would someone who thinks I ruined his life want to cooperate with me? Maybe I had hoped he'd be proud of me, or maybe I had hoped he'd be happy that both of Paxton's parents were beating the odds. I don't know why I thought we could be grown up about it, but we couldn't.

It took awhile before we talked about daycare, and school, work and all the other stuff that comes with Paxton. Eventually thinks started to look positive, and then I realized why, When I got into my car and I had a Facebook message on my phone from someone I didn't know.

"Hello. I want to introduce myself. My name is Lindsey. Carsen doesn't know I'm talking to you and I kinda don't want him to know if that's alright please? I don't want you to be mad at me or anything I just don't want tension at all. If its ok."

What....