"I breathe in, I breath out.."

Dear Reader,

I'm happy to be talking to you today, it has actually been a really good day, and a really good week. Finals are just around the corner so I figure if I can get as many blogs as possible in before that busy week, you'll be pretty much caught up. Although these next few entries will be very important, information filled and will help you get exactly where I am today.


I breathe in, I breathe out.
This is the only way I can keep my sanity. I come to the realization that I can not make Carsen cooperate with me whenever I want him to, I can't control Carsen. I have to take one day at a time, with him and Paxton. I have to breathe in and breathe out.
All I want is for things to be okay. I want to know that we can both be good parents without being together, and every time I start to think that we are getting to a point where Co-Parenting is going to be easy and we can do it one more thing pops up to argue about.
WORK WITH ME...
please, just work with me. Not for me. Not for you. But for this precious baby we brought in the world together.

I have the most amazing best friend Reader. You need to know about her. She's such an amazing person, and I and especially Paxton are so so very blessed to have her. Payton is going to be an amazing mother and she needs to know that. Reader this is not totally astray for this entry it's key. Payton is a lifesaver. I had NO help from Carsen on classes, or daycare or transportation with Paxton while we would both we in school and working. Everyday I needed help at the University before school started and even with picking daycare, Payton was by my side every step of the way. Picking a daycare was hard. Why? Daycare is as expensive as a car payment or even more. It's hard to hand your child over for hours to someone you hardly know. And being a way from my son was even harder.
We had done daycare while I was in high school but he was just downstairs and it was free, and they called me when he needed to nurse it wasn't like it was going to be now.
Carsen seemed to not care about where we put Paxton for daycare, so my amazing best friend came with me to the tour. She's great. She asked question that I forgot to ask. She wanted to know where Paxton was going to be and what he was going to learn. I am so grateful for her, this would have been the hardest thing ever to do by myself. Thank you Payt. I love you. 

So I picked my classes, my work schedule and a daycare. And since Carsen had put no input in on ANYTHING he had to deal with it. Whatever I said kinda went.
So we put Paxton in daycare, and all Carsen wanted to do was complain about how much it was! I pay half so why are you complaining? I could be really mean and make you pay all of it. Just work with me PLEASE!!

School finally started and things started to work out. We started getting a good schedule going for the baby. We were finally helping each other, if I had a test he'd take the baby and vice versa. And then about 3 weeks into school... I missed the last step and broke my ankle and foot.

Great...

*CRACK*

"OH my gosh!! Are you okay?"

"Uh..yeah I think so."
I hobble over to the bench outside of the social science building and begin crying so hard. I can not break my foot, it's my first semester, I am a freakin' waitress, I have Paxton.
From a distance I see Carsen and I yell for him.

"Carsen!! Carsen!!"

"What the heck did you do?"

"I missed the last stair and heard a big crack..(tears roll down my face) I think I broke it. Can you help me..please?"



"Yeah, yeah of course. Do I need to take you to the ER?"

"Uh... No just to the clinic."

"Okay."

So Carsen scooped me up and carried my half way to the clinic then I was ready to try and walk so he helped me. We're almost to the Clinic and these kids are behind us, walking so slow I tell Carsen we need to move out of the way so they can get by. And this kids say:

"Oh no. It's okay. I understand, Love is in the air."

uh...wait! This is my ex husband....

Jealousy?

Dear Reader,
What a last couple weeks! I've missed you. I've missed talking to you and tell you a story. I have some time right now so I'm going to write to you, because you deserve it; and even though it's late I'm Thankful for you.


WHAT?!?!?!? Did his new girlfriend really just Facebook me..? What is she thinking? WHAT THE HELL?!?!? Manda keep your cool, you've been dating too. It's okay everything will be okay.. keep your cool.
Now look I know this shouldn't have hit me the way it did, but I couldn't help it. I broke down into tears. I was just sad because well I don't know? The boys I've dated don't go telling Carsen that we are dating, even if they know him they don't say anything and I was so freakin' frustrated, who does this girl think she is..

The first thing that popped into my head was; has she met my son?? So that's just what I asked her.
"Are you Carsen's new girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Have you met MY son?"

"Yes, and he's so cute. I have two brothers about his age, he's so adorable."

"oh.. How many times have you met him? And how long have you been dating Carsen?"

"Only a few times at his parents and about 3 months."

WHAT?!?! Only 3 months and he's letting you meet MY baby...ew... oh man was I livid!

Understand that I now have been dating a boy since July and Reader I'm telling you he has NEVER met Paxton, he's seen pictures but has never met MINE and CARSEN'S son. NEVER!!! And that was just the thing, I don't thing Paxton needs to meet everyone we date. I'm only dating casually but unless I think it's going to be serious I honestly see no reason for these boys or girls to meet my son.
WHO THE HELL??

*No Reply*

"But Manda if you don't want me being around Paxton I completely understand, I really want to be on good terms with you."

Well Miss Thing no I don't want you anywhere around my son, he's mine! But I don't have the control Reader that is all Carsen, what Carsen and Paxton do together is none of my business and I have no say..

"I honestly have no say in you being around Paxton, that is all Carsen. I'm not mad at you because I don't have that jurisdiction anymore. Thank you for letting me know who you are. Have a nice day."

And that was it. And no I didn't say anything to Carsen for a long time, she asked me not to so I didn't, honestly he had no idea.
Some may call it jealousy, envy or something like that but honestly I was just in shock. Not shocked that he got a dat, that's not nice Reader. But I was shocked that she came to me. I can say that I would NEVER approach a baby momma, especially an ex wife baby momma. She has balls and I completely respect her for that. She's very brave, because if she's heard the kinda things about me that I think she probably has I would never in a million years.



It's not so bad. I need to be nice. I need to keep the peace. If Carsen is happy, then great for Carsen. I'm happy for him, for moving forward with life.


Reader we are finally entering the life of school. Entering the school year, this will be good this will mean you are only 4 months behind and that means there is going to be a lot of stories to tell. This has been the craziest 4 months for me and so I feel like it's been crazy for Paxton and probably Carsen too.


School!! Yes, I did it. I'm starting school at Weber State, I'm so excited. I'm so proud of myself.

*Text*
"Carsen, I got into Weber and am going to sign up for class? Do we wanna work something out so that while one is at school the other has Paxton? I'm really proud of myself and really need your help if we want this to work. Thanks"

"No. I don't know my schedule, just make your classes."

For now,,
Love <3
Mommy Manda.

Ridin' Solo

Dear Reader,
My dear friend I am so so very sorry for not writing the last couple days, I am so busy. I feel like my head is going to fall off. I just started a new job, I'm attempting to potty train the boy, I am in the middle of mid terms and next semester registration for school, and I'm trying to lose weight. I'm so freakin' busy. So now that I have found a second of down time I thought I would talk to you, and finish some of this crazy story.


Right after the separation things got BAD. I'm not just talking kinda bad, I'm telling you they got really really bad. Carsen went off the deep end, quit sleeping and eating. He put himself into the hospital. He gave himself a mental breakdown and you wanna know what it was "my fault" at least that's what he and his family told me.
Honestly I don't think I had ever been so angry in my life. I was taking care of his baby 24/7 and it was MY fault. ew. It's ridiculous, right? Well don't judge cause you weren't there. I almost couldn't even feel sorry for him, it was a freakin' joke. I felt so so manipulated, and Reader this was truly a time when I knew this was what was right. I knew that without even knowing it Carsen was manipulating me, and you wanna know what? Maybe he honestly didn't know he was doing it, but that was just the thing, it had become such a common thing for us that it was coming naturally.
Carsen stayed in our home in Logan, and Paxton and I came back home to my Grandma's and I got a job, and tried to start my life here, a start over. Carsen eventually moved back to the area, so I had heard through the grapevine, but about a month after I left I think he realized I was serious and he gave up on trying. In a way he gave up on everything. He quit talking to me, I never ever saw him or heard from him. I honestly don't even know if he saw Paxton. I would take Paxton to Carsen's parents and when I picked him up there was no sign of Carsen. This made me so mad, Paxton was too little to tell me if he saw daddy and communication was usually limited between me and Carsen's family.


Carsen eventually started showing up, and talking to me during the middle of the summer, but it was rough. It was hard having a conversation with someone I was 1; so mad at and 2; someone I wanted to strangle. Violent I know, but seriously I felt like I was communicating with Paxton better usually.

I decided I wanted to go to the University and I know it'd be difficult, but I thought Carsen would understand and be willing to work with my schedule so that we could both go to school.
Once again I was wrong. I asked him over and over, to tell me his schedule so that maybe while I was at school he could have the baby and vice versa. WRONG!! I'm so dumb. Why would someone who thinks I ruined his life want to cooperate with me? Maybe I had hoped he'd be proud of me, or maybe I had hoped he'd be happy that both of Paxton's parents were beating the odds. I don't know why I thought we could be grown up about it, but we couldn't.

It took awhile before we talked about daycare, and school, work and all the other stuff that comes with Paxton. Eventually thinks started to look positive, and then I realized why, When I got into my car and I had a Facebook message on my phone from someone I didn't know.

"Hello. I want to introduce myself. My name is Lindsey. Carsen doesn't know I'm talking to you and I kinda don't want him to know if that's alright please? I don't want you to be mad at me or anything I just don't want tension at all. If its ok."

What....

Being Strong...

Dear Reader,
I know I haven't written you in a few days, I've just been super busy with my everyday single mom life. But this did give me time to tell you about after the night I left. Remember I don't want you to be sad for me, or Carsen or even Paxton anymore. Be happy that we get to start new happy lives.

The next day was so sad. I felt so awful. I felt hopeless. I knew that this was a different way of living for me, I knew that my life was changed drastically. I tried to be happy. I tried to be strong for Paxton but I didn't feel like I was going to be able too.

I didn't see Carsen for a day or two and when I actually did I was so mad and so upset that I couldn't even look at him. I wanted NOTHING to do with him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't feel  like he was my husband nor I his wife, I truly felt that all hope was lost.

The week went by and Carsen really was trying to make things work. But I was done. I was done feeling the way I felt while we were together and I was done with Logan, I was done being unhappy, I was done doing what people say you "should" do. I knew that this decision was for me. I knew that I had to think about myself, I wasn't being selfish but Reader I knew to be a good mom I had to be happy.

I told Carsen I wanted a divorce...
This was the hardest thing I have EVER done. It will probably always be the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't want this for myself, my family and especially my son. But I knew this was the path for me and these two other people. I had to hold strong for Paxton mostly. I had to be the best mommy I could be without Carsen by my side.

It wasn't too long before word got out to the families. Everyone started to notice the lack of the rings and the lack of each other. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want our families to think I just gave up, I mean I was the one who was leaving. Carsen tried, and I do have to give that to him. But I already did my fair share of trying, the whole time I was pregnant, before the wedding, after the wedding. I did what I was supposed to and I felt as if he didn't do anything until "after the fact". And honestly that was just it, I wanted him to care when I told him things were bad, I wanted him to try when I asked about counseling I wanted him to try before he knew it was serious because I left, and he didn't. I had to put my foot down. I couldn't let him, or anyone walk all over me anymore. Reader, if you know me you know that I am very friendly and I try to please EVERYONE it's not because I really care if people like me, it's because it's a trait I want my kids to have I want my kids to be kind to other, I want my kids to be friendly, but I did not and do not want my son and my future kids to think it's okay to let people walk all over you. It's not okay. And I was doing it. I was letting him have his chances and I was trying so hard and when I gave up then he decided he cared, and this is exactly how I felt.

I wasn't nice. I was so mean to him, but I knew and he knew that the second I put my guard down, we'd be back at the night before I started folding laundry for the trip. I had to be mean, I had to be mean so I wouldn't give up on what I had decided. I am not heartless, and you may think that Reader but I want you to know I'm not. I want you to know that this was what I had to do for myself and now I see it was what I had to do for the precious baby who is sleeping downstairs. He is so much happier. Why? Because now that it has settled in, Carsen and I are both happier.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End..

Dear Reader,
I don't know where you are, why you read or what you want out of this blog but today I want to tell you about the night I left. I want you to know that this hurts my heart, it truly does. So please feel my sorrow and sadness here.


March 9th 2011

By this time in my marriage I had been seriously thinking about leaving. Things were so bad, we were unhappy. And fought non stop. This was starting to rub off on my precious baby and I didn't want this for him. I didn't want him to grow and think that this a was the way people who loved each other treated one another.

I was packing our stuff for our trip back home with our families because it was spring break; and I was so excited. I had been graduated from school for about a month and was ready to stop sitting on my butt.

Our fights were constant about the stupidest stuff too. Carsen must have been confused in thinking I was packing up to leave because at this time I wasn't. I was just preparing for the next week in Syracuse, and he clearly didn't understand. This started a fight and this time I knew it was serious, once he said something about me folding the clothes I knew this was where my marriage was about to end.

This one fight spun out of control and turned into so much more than clothes. I was so sad. I wasn't sad for me or really sad for Carsen but I was sad for my baby. Reader you MUST understand how important a family is to me. I come from a very very broken home and super messy situation and I didn't want this for my baby. I never wanted my son to feel the way I did growing up, and in this moment I knew that one day he would.

I was crying, Paxton was asleep and in a split second I knew if I didn't leave that this would end badly I knew that it couldn't be fix. Now I don't know if you believe in gut feelings but I do and something told me it was time to leave and that I had to go.

I put mine and my sons bags from the trip in the back of my car. Quietly put him in his carseat, and then in the car. I didn't want to tell Carsen I was going to Syracuse now and I'd see him later, he'd figure it out. But I went and told him and he came out so mad, even if he won't admit it, I think Carsen knew this was the end of our marriage that this time things were serious, and things were not going to be okay.

I left. I got into my car after storming out of the house, with my precious baby in the back seat. Pulled out of my garage and sat in the drive way and cried. All I could do was crying. I was devastated. I knew that if I left right now, that if I pulled out of my drive way and headed towards the canyon that this marriage to a really good man was over.

Now Reader, Carsen is a good man. But Carsen and I together is not good. And myself, my friends, my family, Carsen, his friends and his family are all very aware of this. It was unhealthy. But he is a good man.

I didn't even make it out of the neighborhood. I had to talk to someone. This was real, and it was not good. I called my best friend.
"Hello."
Sobbing "Payton I left."
"Manda relax, you're had to understand."
"I left Carsen, Payton and this time I think it's for real."
"Are you coming home?"
"Yes."
"I'll come over once you are at Grandma's."
"Okay."

As I drove back home, my head was spinning. It was almost, I guess you could say surreal.
I'm home. I'm back home with my grandma and all I wanna do is cry. I bring the baby in. And fall apart. I see my Grandma and instantly she knew. I fall apart and just begin to cry.

All I can think is Manda Nicole, you have to be strong. You have to be strong for this precious baby who is smiling at you, looking at you with love.


I have to be strong. 

Not All That Bad

Dear Reader,
I went through my everyday life today and thought what if you think my marriage was ALL bad? What if you think I was unhappy the WHOLE time? I wasn't Reader so DO NOT think this. And with that said I want to tell you guys some of the good. I want you to know about this part. I want you to know what it was like for me to be 17 and married.

Aug  18th 2011
Honey Moon!
We were going on our honeymoon and although we couldn't afford much but I wanted to be "normal" for once in the last 10 months. Was that to much to ask? No.

We went to Downtown Salt Lake, and I was pampered. My husband loved me and I love him; and here Reader I was happy I really was. I got to be newly wed with my husband today. And I'm pretty sure you could tell. Food, a concert, shopping, movies and swimming.

Shopping!

"Hey Manda, I really like this shirt, what do you think?"
"I like it, a lot! Except it looks a little small baby."
"It's stretchy..duh. I'm getting it."
"Okay."
Back at the hotel.

"Uh...Manda??"
*LAUGHTER*
"I told you it'd be small!!"

This was one of my best memories. The shirt was WAY to small and it was from the girl section once we looked at the tag. My husband was funny and that was one thing I loved about him.

Aug 24th 2011
This was my first day of high school. Not only high school, a new high school where I honestly didn't know one person. I was so scared. I knew I would be an outcast. I also knew Paxton would freak in daycare. Such a Mommas Boy Folks. I woke up the morning of my first day of my senior year, crying. I wanted to go back home to Syracuse, I wanted to do my senior year with my friends, with all these kids I've grown up with. But I couldn't so I got up showered go ready and when I went out into the living room of my cute little house, my VERY CARING husband made me breakfast, had the baby ready for school and had a big bouquet of flowers waiting for me in our kitchen.

"Surprise baby."
*tears roll down my face.*
"You'll do great. Everyone will be jealous that you're my wife."

My husband was a very caring man, and cared about the things I was upset about and the things that truly made me sad. He was also very good at surprises, and super cheesy sometimes which was so cute. I loved this about him.

The first snow of the year

It had snowed so much where we lived and it was so exciting. I couldn't even wait to take Paxton out. My son has a very good dad and his dad loved him and he loved me too. Carsen was so good. There was so much snow he shoveled it all by his self and then shoveled the old lady next door.


My husband was a very kind person. He always wanted to help, although he could be lazy he did love helping when he could. I loved when we would do things as a little family, it was always so much fun. Carsen shoveled and Paxton and I played in the snow..well he tried to play but just ate the snow.

 Smartest kid I know. Now Carsen may come off not the brightest crayon in the box. But I'm here to tell you know, Carsen is the smartest person I know, I'll admit it even now. He was so much smarter than me, he was so much smarter than I had ever thought. My husband was a very SMART man, and I loved learning his knowledge. I hope my son gets his dads smarts.


Reader the point of this was so you know that not all things were bad. I was not always unhappy. But this was a reason I left because I was not ALWAYS happy. I am a person who feels that no matter how bad things may be that without a doubt happiness should always be in your marriage. And it wasn't. But I was not always unhappy. Carsen is a great man. He is an amazing daddy to my baby. I wouldn't ask for anyone else to teen parent with. But sometimes things happen and we can only explain them to such an extent and this is where I have to stop.
The point of this was to share memories and to shine light on the person Carsen is. Not a bad husband, but not the right husband for me. And I was not the right wife for him.

Happiness Forever?

Dear Reader,

I feel as if I am speeding you through this part of my life. But this entry is key.  This entry is where the story becomes intense and where I start to lead you into my life as of today. Here we go.

July 4th, 2011

Our new house is so perfect. We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage little house in Logan. It is perfect for our little family and I am so happy. But honestly I'm scared, I'm sad, and I start to freak.

Carsen had got accepted and got a really good offer to attend USU which was fantastic, and I was his bride-to-be so I am supposed to be happy for him, because this is one of his dreams. But this is NOT my home, I've never left Grandma before and I don't wanna go to school in Logan. I don't like it here. I don't like it at all. But my house is so precious, my family is so precious so for now, for now I will smile and I will be happy for us.

Aug 17, 2011

Here we go. Everyone is gathering at Grandma Rhode's house and down at Gunnels Park for the wedding. Everyone is trying to set things up. I'm SO nervous! I'm a 17 year old senior to be in high school and I'm about to marry the love of my life. How come I'm nervous. I want my mom. I want my dad. I really want Grandma. My head is spinning and I start to feel a little nervous, but I have to make this day memorable and fun. 

A bride-to-be on a pocket bike don't mind if I do. Board games with the brides maids. Lunch. Oh my heck Lunch sounds simply amazing right now. Eat or you'll get sick. 

Time to get ready. Brides maids, Paxton, Hair, Make up, Dress and Toms, yes I wore Toms to my wedding, it was my day and I wanted Toms dang it!  This is all happening. I am really about to get married.

PAUSE.

Now Reader I need you to know that this, this was not what I saw for myself as a kid. I saw myself getting married of course, but not at 17 and not with a 6 month old baby. But life happens, things don't go our way sometimes. Does this mean we fail? No. I like to believe that no one really ever fails, you just get taken down a different path and you achieve something different than what was expected but never really fail. 

Lance is here. He's here to pick me up and drive me down to the Venue where everyone is waiting for the bride. He starts to cry. Looks me in the eye.

"Manda, you look amazing. You are a beautiful bride. And I'm happy you're joining our family."

Don't cry. Don't cry. You'll smear your make up. But this was the first time Carsen's dad and I had actually got along. The first time I felt like he didn't hate me. 

"Are you ready baby?"

"Yes..

Hey Grandma, I love you. Thank you for everything."

"I love you too."

The music starts. Payton and Jason walk. Cody and Erica. Sydney and Cody. Amber and Carter. Paxton and Jordan. Hayven and Jairik....and then it's my turn.

I see Carsen and he starts to cry. There are so many people at my wedding. So many people are smiling and crying. For once I feel like everyone in my life who is important to me was actually happy for me.

"You look so beautiful baby."

"Thank you, I love you."

"I love you too."

Now I have to be honest I don't remember what was said I was so lost in the moment and I could see my son and he looks so happy. He didn't know what was going on I don't think but he was happy he was smiling and he knew we were happy.

"You may kiss your bride."

I took Paxton from Payton, me Carsen and Paxton walked down the aisle as a new family. We were married, and we were happy. 

I said were, you did read that right. Because it's true we were happy. But happiness sometimes isn't forever. And I must tell you this now, our happiness was not forever. We did not stay happy. At least I didn't. And I could explain my reasons to you over and over but it was MY decisions solely made for myself for the first time in a long time, and I knew that my marriage was over. 

I don't want you to think that I didn't love Carsen, because if you knew or felt my love for him you would not that, that is not the case. But this was the best thing for all 3 of us I felt and the longer we have been divorced the more blessing I have seen out of this. 

I was married to this man for 7 months(March 9, 2012). I know this isn't a long time, but it was almost a total of 3 years together. Maybe we were dumb to get married when we did. Maybe we should've tried harder. I don't really know. But I now know that this was to my advantage. Everyone eventually finds happiness. And I expect this for me and I expect it for Carsen as well. 

And now it's me and Paxton, and then Carsen and Paxton. This is where you are almost up to speed Reader. Don't be sad for us. Don't be mad at Carsen or at me. Understand that over time we've learned this is for the better. 

Baby blue eyes

Dear Reader,
Now I need you to understand that you are about two year behind in my very amazing journey through motherhood, but Reader I want you to know the story I want you to understand all of it. I am trying my hardest to make you feel as if you are apart of this. Why? Well because I want to inspire someone, I want be make a difference even for just one person. So I'm trying to get you up to speed, in a timely manner, without overloading you with a bunch of long readings.

Baby blue eyes. This little tiny person is looking at me with these amazing baby blue eyes...
WAIT,, what the hell! I have dark brown eye and Carsen has hazel eyes, and this little man is looking at me with these amazing baby blue eyes. He gets them from probably both sides of the family, but what are the chances he has these BIG blue eyes.
Paxton is 6lbs and 11.5oz. He's so precious. I love him more than any person I've ever loved. He's the perfect mix of his father and of me. Reality starts setting in, as I realize I am now a mother. I have a little person who is going to solely depend on me, for the next..well at least 18 years. Honestly I wouldn't mind if he wanted longer than that. I love him.
Nursing 101.
I am a 16 year old junior and I want to nurse(breastfeed) my little boy. I want to prove that despite my age I can do this. I can do anything that an older, married mother can.
"OUCH!!"
Nursing hurts. But he latches on just right and it only hurts for second. And suddenly I begin to cry. Oh my heck, I'm not pregnant anymore quit being a pussy Manda. But it's not even that, it's that I feel like I'm a mother. I feel so important right now. I feel so accomplished. My goal is at least one year. This is going to be so hard seeing as how I have to finish high school with a baby, and I want to nurse for at least a year. Maybe I was a little ambitious. But Reader, I am proud to tell you I did it, in fact I nursed this amazing little boy til he was 16 months old! Above and beyond!

Enough about nursing.

We got to go home when Paxton was 2 days old. February 17, 2011 how do we decide where we are going to live? Is the family going to be helpful? Is Carsen gonna stay at our house or will we stay with him? What about school for him? This might have been the most stressful day for me. I didn't know how to be a mom. I knew what NOT to do, because I had a perfect example of that but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to be a good mommy. What the hell was I thinking?? I was scared.

I am blessed so very very blessed. I have the most amazing child. He was such a good baby he hardly cried, and for how many problems Carsen and I had as babies we were blessed to have a perfect baby who received none of our problems. aww.

Marriage??
Carsen's parents pushed marriage like none other. Which was NOT okay. We live in Utah okay, we are already screwed because we live in a society that believes marriage is key. But I wanted Carsen to marry me, because he wanted to marry me because he loved me. NOT because it was what is considered "right" or because I had his baby. Well Reader let me tell you, I said something. I asked everyone to please stop talking about it, DO NOT ask about marriage. just STOP!!!!!!
And they did.

April 24th, 2011. Easter. My 17th Birthday. My sons first Easter. The day the love of my life asked me to marry him.

Carsen hid the ring in Paxton's easter eggs and as we opened them as a family on my birthday at his Grandma's house with his whole family I opened the egg with a beautiful ring in it and started to cry. Carsen grab my hand and said:
"Manda, will you please marry me?"
........"well??"
"Yes, Yes I will."

..sent here to soften hearts..

Dear Reader,
Last night I know I left you hanging, I'm sorry, but not sorry. It keeps you coming back for more, right? But this is kind of where I was at. In one day I found out I was 19 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. And that my next appointment was in 4 weeks. Uh...Thanks.. I guess.

The rest of the night was so CRAZY!! So many questions, so many tears, and so much yelling.

Carsen's dad must have been the worst. He was so mad, and this didn't help our rocky relationship anyways. I felt so bad for Carsen though, all he wanted was to be accepted from his dad, and well getting a girl pregnant in  high school coming from a very very strict LDS family was not a way to get acceptance. I think more than anything he was devastated thinking Carsen was gonna go on a mission and go away to college and all this stuff, and he was mad at us for breaking his moms heart. So if you're reading now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry in those few months you felt as if we ruined our lives but Paxton is a huge blessing in all of our lives. Like you said in his blessing "...I don't know why you came when you did, but I do know you were sent here to soften hearts.."

So the months went by, my due date was March 14, 2011. Paxton was growing, and clearly I was too. I loved him more than anything and I hadn't even seen his precious baby face. He was everything, all my decisions were based off Paxton. Things were rocky, our relationship was rough, my family was trying to be supportive, Carsen's was doing their best to understand especially after we decided that we were going to Parent and not Place for Adoptions. But all they could do was try to understand because this was MY baby, MY decisions, and they could be apart of it or not, but it was, what it was.

32 weeks pregnant..
"GRANDMA!!!!"
"what? what??"
" I think something just fell out of me while I was peeing, it hurt."
"Are you bleeding?"
"No."
"Then the baby just probably dropped, he's getting ready to come."

Most miserable night of my life. Something felt so wrong. I went to school for the second week at my new school, which I hated. I was so outta place, I missed my boyfriend, my friends and my teachers.
I felt so awkward, I felt sick, my tummy hurt. I decided to call the doctor, explained to her what happened and she said come in. I went in and was told I was going into preterm labor and was dilated 2 cm. I was told to go straight to the hospital.
I sent Carsen, Jason and Chelsea a text. When I got home to get my stuff for the hospital they were all waiting anxiously. Carsen was freaking out, Jason was speaking spanish and Chelsea was well.. Chelsea was pacing.
The hospital was so hectic my family all came, but Paxton was to early to come. I spent 5 hours in the hospital while they gave me shot after shot trying to stop my preterm labor. My baby need to still cook. Once stopped, I got a pain shot for my contractions and was told I was on bed rest and needed to be seen once a week.

BED REST!!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

This was the longest 4 weeks of my life. Yes, Reader I said 4 weeks because Paxton was a big big baby, Doc told me at 36 weeks do what I can to have my baby because he was gonna be ready and huge for being "that" early.

February 15, 2011
The greatest day of my life. 24 hours of labor. Kill me please.
6:55pm
Doctor says it's time to push
*push*
*push*
..rest...
*push*
7:01pm
It's a boy! Paxton Michael Rhodes joined us here on earth.

Let's begin..

Dear Reader,

I don't know who you are, if we know each other, why you're reading or what you think but I want to shine light on my life; I want to inspire others the way I've been inspired so, let's begin..

I'm Manda Monson, I'm 18 years old and a mother to a beautiful baby boy Paxton. I am recently divorced, and a freshman at Weber State.
I used to blog as a freshman in high school and then got preoccupied with the life of an average high school kid, deleted my blog and did the "high school thing" until October of my junior year, when I was sitting in the Doctor's office at 3:15pm when I was told I was indeed pregnant. My world stopped, I didn't know if I was to cry, be happy for myself, be mad at myself, or maybe even Carsen. I didn't know what I was to do. I was a 16 year old junior in high school, just trying to be a kid for the FIRST time in my life, and here I am realizing that I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant in high school, I'm unmarried and pregnant. I will never forget that day October 19, 2010..the day my life changed..forever.

Now Reader you must understand that I was thinking I was just barely pregnant and that I may have time to think about this,, about being freakin' pregnant. I must tell you now, that I, I was wrong. I was not just barely pregnant. I was 19 weeks and 5 days pregnant... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?? This means that for the last almost 5 months of my life I had no clue that I was pregnant that I, Manda Nicole was growing a little person inside of me! Don't think I am naive, because I am not. I did not gain weight, I did not gain weight, and well I never had a regular "flow" if you get what I mean, so it was a surprise. FIVE MONTHS!!!!

And this was where my life began.

The doctor had to leave to deliver a baby, but promised an ultra sound when she returned, this was the craziest 30 minutes of my life. 
Carsen was clearly the first to call.... No answer.... ring ring...No answer...
Text message: "Carsern, you need to answer!"
"I'm with friends Manda, what did the doctor say?"
"Carsen,,I'm pregnant..."
No reply
"I told you, you needed to answer."

Mommy was next...ring ring.. No answer, 12 calls later no answer.
Text message: "mommy, I'm calling you for a reason answer your damn phone."
Mommy calls.
"what's going on baby?"
"mom....(tears roll down my face)"
"baby what's wrong, why are you crying?"
"momma,,,I'm pregnant...5 months pregnant."
"what..."
"It's true I'm not lying."
"I'll be down to your house in an hour and half, don't tell grandma until i'm with you."
"okay...momma i'm sorry"
"baby don't be sorry it'll all be okay. I love you."
"I love you too mom, bye"
"bye, oh and baby,,I know you'll be an amazing mother."

*Knock Knock*
me:"come in."
SHIT!! It was Carsen and his mom. She was crying, I was crying, he was crying. She was so disappoint, he was so scared and I, I was so confused, and overwhelmed.
"I wish you guys would've been smarter if you were going to  have sex, but it's here now. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I think placing this baby for adoption would be the most responsible thing for you guys to do, I'll see you when your dad get home."
That was it, that's all she said! Place my baby, and then walked away...WHAT???

This was the most dramatic time of my life.

"Carsen...what are we gonna do?"
"I...I...I don't know Manda.."
"I'm sorry.."
"..I'm sorry baby.."
"I am so scared."
"I think we should place for adoption Manda."

*Knock Knock*

Doctor is back. It's ultrasound time.

"Well he looks big and healthy for being unknown for so long!"
"wait, what?? did you say he?"
"Yes, you're having a boy"

WHAT???