Happiness Forever?

Dear Reader,

I feel as if I am speeding you through this part of my life. But this entry is key.  This entry is where the story becomes intense and where I start to lead you into my life as of today. Here we go.

July 4th, 2011

Our new house is so perfect. We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage little house in Logan. It is perfect for our little family and I am so happy. But honestly I'm scared, I'm sad, and I start to freak.

Carsen had got accepted and got a really good offer to attend USU which was fantastic, and I was his bride-to-be so I am supposed to be happy for him, because this is one of his dreams. But this is NOT my home, I've never left Grandma before and I don't wanna go to school in Logan. I don't like it here. I don't like it at all. But my house is so precious, my family is so precious so for now, for now I will smile and I will be happy for us.

Aug 17, 2011

Here we go. Everyone is gathering at Grandma Rhode's house and down at Gunnels Park for the wedding. Everyone is trying to set things up. I'm SO nervous! I'm a 17 year old senior to be in high school and I'm about to marry the love of my life. How come I'm nervous. I want my mom. I want my dad. I really want Grandma. My head is spinning and I start to feel a little nervous, but I have to make this day memorable and fun. 

A bride-to-be on a pocket bike don't mind if I do. Board games with the brides maids. Lunch. Oh my heck Lunch sounds simply amazing right now. Eat or you'll get sick. 

Time to get ready. Brides maids, Paxton, Hair, Make up, Dress and Toms, yes I wore Toms to my wedding, it was my day and I wanted Toms dang it!  This is all happening. I am really about to get married.

PAUSE.

Now Reader I need you to know that this, this was not what I saw for myself as a kid. I saw myself getting married of course, but not at 17 and not with a 6 month old baby. But life happens, things don't go our way sometimes. Does this mean we fail? No. I like to believe that no one really ever fails, you just get taken down a different path and you achieve something different than what was expected but never really fail. 

Lance is here. He's here to pick me up and drive me down to the Venue where everyone is waiting for the bride. He starts to cry. Looks me in the eye.

"Manda, you look amazing. You are a beautiful bride. And I'm happy you're joining our family."

Don't cry. Don't cry. You'll smear your make up. But this was the first time Carsen's dad and I had actually got along. The first time I felt like he didn't hate me. 

"Are you ready baby?"

"Yes..

Hey Grandma, I love you. Thank you for everything."

"I love you too."

The music starts. Payton and Jason walk. Cody and Erica. Sydney and Cody. Amber and Carter. Paxton and Jordan. Hayven and Jairik....and then it's my turn.

I see Carsen and he starts to cry. There are so many people at my wedding. So many people are smiling and crying. For once I feel like everyone in my life who is important to me was actually happy for me.

"You look so beautiful baby."

"Thank you, I love you."

"I love you too."

Now I have to be honest I don't remember what was said I was so lost in the moment and I could see my son and he looks so happy. He didn't know what was going on I don't think but he was happy he was smiling and he knew we were happy.

"You may kiss your bride."

I took Paxton from Payton, me Carsen and Paxton walked down the aisle as a new family. We were married, and we were happy. 

I said were, you did read that right. Because it's true we were happy. But happiness sometimes isn't forever. And I must tell you this now, our happiness was not forever. We did not stay happy. At least I didn't. And I could explain my reasons to you over and over but it was MY decisions solely made for myself for the first time in a long time, and I knew that my marriage was over. 

I don't want you to think that I didn't love Carsen, because if you knew or felt my love for him you would not that, that is not the case. But this was the best thing for all 3 of us I felt and the longer we have been divorced the more blessing I have seen out of this. 

I was married to this man for 7 months(March 9, 2012). I know this isn't a long time, but it was almost a total of 3 years together. Maybe we were dumb to get married when we did. Maybe we should've tried harder. I don't really know. But I now know that this was to my advantage. Everyone eventually finds happiness. And I expect this for me and I expect it for Carsen as well. 

And now it's me and Paxton, and then Carsen and Paxton. This is where you are almost up to speed Reader. Don't be sad for us. Don't be mad at Carsen or at me. Understand that over time we've learned this is for the better.