I don't know where you are, why you read or what you want out of this blog but today I want to tell you about the night I left. I want you to know that this hurts my heart, it truly does. So please feel my sorrow and sadness here.
March 9th 2011
By this time in my marriage I had been seriously thinking about leaving. Things were so bad, we were unhappy. And fought non stop. This was starting to rub off on my precious baby and I didn't want this for him. I didn't want him to grow and think that this a was the way people who loved each other treated one another.I was packing our stuff for our trip back home with our families because it was spring break; and I was so excited. I had been graduated from school for about a month and was ready to stop sitting on my butt.
Our fights were constant about the stupidest stuff too. Carsen must have been confused in thinking I was packing up to leave because at this time I wasn't. I was just preparing for the next week in Syracuse, and he clearly didn't understand. This started a fight and this time I knew it was serious, once he said something about me folding the clothes I knew this was where my marriage was about to end.
This one fight spun out of control and turned into so much more than clothes. I was so sad. I wasn't sad for me or really sad for Carsen but I was sad for my baby. Reader you MUST understand how important a family is to me. I come from a very very broken home and super messy situation and I didn't want this for my baby. I never wanted my son to feel the way I did growing up, and in this moment I knew that one day he would.
I was crying, Paxton was asleep and in a split second I knew if I didn't leave that this would end badly I knew that it couldn't be fix. Now I don't know if you believe in gut feelings but I do and something told me it was time to leave and that I had to go.
I put mine and my sons bags from the trip in the back of my car. Quietly put him in his carseat, and then in the car. I didn't want to tell Carsen I was going to Syracuse now and I'd see him later, he'd figure it out. But I went and told him and he came out so mad, even if he won't admit it, I think Carsen knew this was the end of our marriage that this time things were serious, and things were not going to be okay.
I left. I got into my car after storming out of the house, with my precious baby in the back seat. Pulled out of my garage and sat in the drive way and cried. All I could do was crying. I was devastated. I knew that if I left right now, that if I pulled out of my drive way and headed towards the canyon that this marriage to a really good man was over.
Now Reader, Carsen is a good man. But Carsen and I together is not good. And myself, my friends, my family, Carsen, his friends and his family are all very aware of this. It was unhealthy. But he is a good man.
I didn't even make it out of the neighborhood. I had to talk to someone. This was real, and it was not good. I called my best friend.
"Hello."
Sobbing "Payton I left."
"Manda relax, you're had to understand."
"I left Carsen, Payton and this time I think it's for real."
"Are you coming home?"
"Yes."
"I'll come over once you are at Grandma's."
"Okay."
As I drove back home, my head was spinning. It was almost, I guess you could say surreal.
I'm home. I'm back home with my grandma and all I wanna do is cry. I bring the baby in. And fall apart. I see my Grandma and instantly she knew. I fall apart and just begin to cry.
All I can think is Manda Nicole, you have to be strong. You have to be strong for this precious baby who is smiling at you, looking at you with love.
I have to be strong.
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