I know I haven't written you in a few days, I've just been super busy with my everyday single mom life. But this did give me time to tell you about after the night I left. Remember I don't want you to be sad for me, or Carsen or even Paxton anymore. Be happy that we get to start new happy lives.
The next day was so sad. I felt so awful. I felt hopeless. I knew that this was a different way of living for me, I knew that my life was changed drastically. I tried to be happy. I tried to be strong for Paxton but I didn't feel like I was going to be able too.
I didn't see Carsen for a day or two and when I actually did I was so mad and so upset that I couldn't even look at him. I wanted NOTHING to do with him. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I didn't feel like he was my husband nor I his wife, I truly felt that all hope was lost.
The week went by and Carsen really was trying to make things work. But I was done. I was done feeling the way I felt while we were together and I was done with Logan, I was done being unhappy, I was done doing what people say you "should" do. I knew that this decision was for me. I knew that I had to think about myself, I wasn't being selfish but Reader I knew to be a good mom I had to be happy.
I told Carsen I wanted a divorce...
This was the hardest thing I have EVER done. It will probably always be the hardest thing I've ever done. I didn't want this for myself, my family and especially my son. But I knew this was the path for me and these two other people. I had to hold strong for Paxton mostly. I had to be the best mommy I could be without Carsen by my side.
It wasn't too long before word got out to the families. Everyone started to notice the lack of the rings and the lack of each other. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want our families to think I just gave up, I mean I was the one who was leaving. Carsen tried, and I do have to give that to him. But I already did my fair share of trying, the whole time I was pregnant, before the wedding, after the wedding. I did what I was supposed to and I felt as if he didn't do anything until "after the fact". And honestly that was just it, I wanted him to care when I told him things were bad, I wanted him to try when I asked about counseling I wanted him to try before he knew it was serious because I left, and he didn't. I had to put my foot down. I couldn't let him, or anyone walk all over me anymore. Reader, if you know me you know that I am very friendly and I try to please EVERYONE it's not because I really care if people like me, it's because it's a trait I want my kids to have I want my kids to be kind to other, I want my kids to be friendly, but I did not and do not want my son and my future kids to think it's okay to let people walk all over you. It's not okay. And I was doing it. I was letting him have his chances and I was trying so hard and when I gave up then he decided he cared, and this is exactly how I felt.
I wasn't nice. I was so mean to him, but I knew and he knew that the second I put my guard down, we'd be back at the night before I started folding laundry for the trip. I had to be mean, I had to be mean so I wouldn't give up on what I had decided. I am not heartless, and you may think that Reader but I want you to know I'm not. I want you to know that this was what I had to do for myself and now I see it was what I had to do for the precious baby who is sleeping downstairs. He is so much happier. Why? Because now that it has settled in, Carsen and I are both happier.
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